SO, she wants a child, you don’t. Here’s how to sidestep fatherhood...
1 - Offer a cash alternative: “£100 per week for life if we don’t have one”. (You could triple this and still save in the long term.)
2 – Diminished responsibility: Start bandying around potential kids names like Captain, Berzzzerker or anything with a hashtag in it.
3 - Bury your head in the sand: Maybe if you can get your head right in there, tamp down some wet sand on top, and stay buried for a bit.
You’ll learn some lessons on willpower that’ll solve your initial problem...
4 – Invent a hereditary condition: “But sweetheart, there’s a 25% chance he’ll be a hipster. Can we take that risk?”
5 - Get over yourself: Do you want someone to look after you when you’re old, or what?
Get at it, and keep going until you get a girl.
Stuart Goldsmith: Extra Life, Pleasance Courtyard, until 24 August, 7pm, £8.50-£11.50, 0131-226 0000