Still looking for some comedy to see in the last week of the Fringe? Then try these guys, says Liam Rudden...
FIN TAYLOR: HOW MY MOUTH GETS ME INTO TROUBLE
AS a comedian people often assume that my mouth exudes danger, that it is such a font of pure truth that upon hearing its stream of righteousness, people lose all sight of reality, renounce worldly goods and move to the woods.
To be honest it’s not quite like that. I’ve never really got into trouble for anything I’ve said on a stage. Normally the only way my mouth really causes problems is at the dentist’s, where I am normally so hungover that any proper examination is impossible.
When the drilling begins, actual tears flow from my eyes. I sit there crying until the dental nurse asks the nasty man to stop and gives me a lollipop.
I did lose my job at a language school for a misguided command in the heat of an emergency. To cut a long story short we had taken the Spanish group on a punting excursion in Oxford, only for a swan to board one of the kids’ vessels and start screaming.
Given that the only help my colleague offered was to point out that he had hitherto not known that ‘swans had legs’, I took more drastic action by telling little Raoul to push the bird away with his oar.
High on adrenaline, Raoul executed a perfect, baseball-like swing of the oar, which crashed onto the swan and sent it flying into the river.
It must be the only time that a child has ever been sent home for high treason.
Fin Taylor: Real Talk, The Tron, Hunter Square, until Sunday, 10.20pm, £8.50-£9.50, 0131-226 0000
JOHN ROBINS - 10 THINGS TO BEAR IN MIND WHEN YOUR FRIEND FALLS IN LOVE
1. All arrangements are cancellable. If it means an extra ten minutes with her, that stag do has to go.
2. When you’re chatting with them, HE HAS READ ALL THOSE BOOKS! OK?! (he has read no books)
3. No crude banter about women, Amanda’s a feminist and he’s learned a lot since meeting her.
4. Your friend will never, ever, go to a nightclub again, seriously. They are the worst thing in the world.
5. She’s my soul mate. We have this deep understanding. We can talk about absolutely anything... OH, HERE’S A LIST OF THE 40 THINGS SHE CANNOT KNOW ABOUT ME... YES the camping story! OF COURSE the dinnerlady! AND MADRAS-GATE!
6. You know your friend’s ex? The one you really liked?...SHE NO LONGER EXISTS. You’d better not tag a photo of them, or mention that holiday. Seriously, that girl is Satan... She’s Voldemort... She who must not be named... Yes, the careworker...
7. Enjoy your personal review of every HBO boxset ever made.
8. “Oh, you know the weekend away? Where we get all the guys together for the first time in ages? Yeah, I’m bringing Amanda if that’s cool?...”
9. He’s moving into this way too fast. He’s spent far too much on that present. That picnic he’s arranged is ridiculous. This is exactly what he did with Sophie and look what happened there... A good time to tell him this? Never
10. When all this is done. And out of nowhere he asks what you’re up to and can you meet, you have to be cool with that and maybe say “Hey, you really went off radar then, that was tough for me”. But then it’s back to normal. Best Budz.
John Robins: This Tornado Loves You, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday, 9.45pm, £10-£12, 0131-226 0000
DANE BAPTISE ON BEING A TWIN
PICTURE your childhood, your favourite birthday, the cakes, your friends and the toys. Think about the money (adjusted for inflation) that was spent to make your dreams come true for a day.
Now half that and that’s what it’s like having a twin.
People always respond to this news with, “Oh my god, that must be so fun!” or, “A twin? Are you identical?” Allow me to educate.
There were no childhood comedic mishaps resulting from teachers/parents/police/cruel relatives confusing us. No ruses or pranks involving switching our hats and jumpers to fool people to sit exams/rob banks or any other perks that would come with having a doppelganger. This is not a Disney film.
Non-identical twinmanship is a life of having someone constantly dividing your gains, putting your family at odds and forcing them to divide their attention and love.
I wouldn’t describe myself as a twin, I’d say I was born divorced. This morbid description of twin life isn’t to say I don’t love my sister, but it’s my opinion that sharing a birth canal entitles you to pursue your own happiness in this cold world.
I technically can’t justify my grumpy demeanor by saying, “I was born alone, and I’ll die alone” - especially since she is more than likely to be a match for any vital organs I will need in later life.
So I’m very enthusiastic about my twin sister having a healthy successful, donor card-carrying life.
Dane Baptiste: Citizen Dane, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday, 5.30pm, £12, 0131-226 0000