Comedians, councillors, and our readers present 40 of Edinburgh’s best jokes

Stephen Carlin
Stephen Carlin
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EVERYONE’s got one – a favourite gag or one-liner which has been trotted out more times than Red Rum.

From the rib-ticklers to the groaners, anything that raises a chuckle in the depths of winter is welcome.

Comedian John Bishop’s new show, Only Joking, which starts tonight on Sky One, features celebrities and members of the public telling their own funniest jokes. That idea sounded like such a giggle, we thought we’d have a go ourselves.

The Evening News joke factory swung into action and through an appeal on our @edinburghpaper Twitter feed as well as a phone call or two, we’ve come up with 40 fantastic funnies – so what’s your favourite?

David Crighton @DavidGCrighton

“I had a dream last night that I was being chased by Eddie Stobart trucks. It was a logistical nightmare.”

John MacMillan, 33, HR executive, South Queensferry

“What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

“What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer.”

City council leader Andrew Burns

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.”

Andrew Lumsden, marketing executive, Edinburgh

“Did you here about the cheese-monger that painted his wife? He ‘double glossed her’”

James Lennox @iamawombat1

“How do you move a Welsh cheese? Caerphilly!”

Callum Mill @fridgeytown

“Two fish in a tank, one says ‘how do you drive this thing?’”

PawManagement.co.uk  @pawmanagement

“My dog chases people on a bike . . . take it off him them”

Westwoods Health Club @WestwoodsHC

“Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots-ate-’em-all.”

David Turner @bigdav2000

“What’s a pirates favourite shop? Arrrrrrrrgos.”

Kayt Turner @nipsweetie

“What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. OR the old Morcambe and Wise fave. What’s a greek urn? About £20 a week.”

Jacquie Sandison, owner of www.adventureavenue.co.uk, from Leith

“What did Miss Piggy say when she got to the top of the hill? I’m Muppet, I’m Muppet!”

Brian Hutton @wee_mado

“What do you do if you see a spaceman? You park in it man!”

Deputy City Council leader Steve Cardownie

“My friend was married to a girl Lorraine but he was having an affair with a girl called Claire-Lee. His wife tragically died and at the funeral he stood up and sang, in true Johnny Nash style: ‘I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone . . .’”

Under The Counter @UTConline

“What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.”

Guss Malcolm @guss83

“What do you get hangin from apple trees? Sair airms.”

Al @alinver

“What does CS Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.”

Edinburgh-based comedian, Tom Stade

“Saw a lot of snake charmers in India, which freaked me out cos the last thing I’d ever say if I saw a cobra in my yard is ‘I think these things dance, kids! Run to the garage and get my flute! I’ll make sure it doesn’t get away.’”

Sean Watters, chair of Portobello For A New School

“What did the gardener do with his trumpet plant? He rooted-it-oot.”

Elisa McMahon @elisajmcmahon

“What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!”

Sam Poullain @TourDeFarce

“What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.”

George Ward @GeorgeWardUK

“What do you call cheese that does not belong to you? Nacho cheese!”

Comic Jo Caulfield

“You know Abercrombie and Fitch were sued because they have policy where they only employ slim, attractive young people . . . it made me think, do you think Argos have the exact opposite policy?”

Sarah @saa1888

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“The wee man who cannae reach the doorbell.”

Finlay Matheson  @thisisfin

“What did one frog say to the other? Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”

Stephen Carlin, London-based comedian originally from Whitburn, West Lothian

“Can I have the Bob Monkhouse joke please . . .’They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.’”

Jo Ogilvie @jogilviemedia

“What kind of cheese do you use to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert.”

ColinCowe @ColinCowe

“A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.”

Brett Hughson aka Beefcake Tool, came third in latest series of Tool Academy, lives in Edinburgh

“What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt!”

Paul Cardwell @paulcardwell

“My pet mouse Elvis died last night . . . He got caught in a trap.”

Jackie @mummybudgie

“I don’t care too much for Russian Dolls . . .they are full of themselves.” 

Helen @Fitzearl

“Did you hear about the Magic Tractor?It turned into a Field!!”

Dean Reilly, 32, Portobello, MS fundraiser and marathon runner

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike – then I realised the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked him to forgive me!”

Lari Don, children’s author

“What’s the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

“A weasel is weasely recognised and a stoat is stoatally different.”

Allan @dan_gliebitz

Who’s the coolest person in a hospital? The ultra sound guy.

“Who takes over when he’s sick? The hip replacement guy.

Gina Davidson @wornoutmumhack

What’s a pirates favourite animal? Aardvark.

Still Game actor James Martin, 81, Musselburgh

“There was this woman from East Lothian who was a notorious shoplifter and had been caught stealing a tin of pears from a shop. She’s up in front of the magistrate and he says ‘Mary, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. This the eighth time you have appeared before me for shoplifting and community orders don’t seem to be of any use.”

Opening the tin of pears, he said: “I’m going to sentence you to one month for every pear in here . . .” and begins counting them out: “one, two, three, four”. Just as he is about to pass sentence, her husband shouts out from the gallery: “Wait, wait! She stole a can of peas as well”

Lothian and Borders chief constable David Strang

“What’s got five fingers and drives a tractor? A farm hand”

David Meikle @DavidJMeikle

“War horse walks into a bar.

Barman says ‘Why the long film?’”

Restaurateur Malcolm Duck

“A Tommy Cooper classic...A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’

‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’

‘No, because he’s really heavy’

Bruce Findlay, 68, West End, ex-manager of Simple Minds and music business lecturer

“What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam!”

Stand comedy club MD Tommy Sheppard

“I always remember the line by the late, great Hovis Presley: ‘When we got to the hotel they asked if we had reservations and I said, ‘Yes, I think we’d be better off in a B&B’.”

Professor Joe Goldblatt, Queen Magaret University

“David Cameron is visiting a hospital in Glasgow and goes into a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.

“He is greeted by one patient who says: ‘Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o’ the puddin’-race’.

“David Cameron is very confused, so he grins and moves on to the next patient, who says: ‘Some hae meat and canna eat’.

“Now he is really confused and so he grins and moves on to the next patient, who starts chanting: ‘Wee sleekit, cowerin’, timorous beastie’.

“Poor David, who has come up to Scotland to inspect our hospitals, is thoroughly confused.

“He asks a doctor if this is the psychiatric ward.

“The doctor replies: ‘No, it’s the serious Burns unit.”

City Council leader Andrew Burns

“Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”