20 of The Thick of It’s Malcolm Tucker’s most cutting insults

Malcolm Tuckers sweary put-downs were a highlight of The Thick of It and spin-off film, In The Loop (Photo: BBC)
Malcolm Tuckers sweary put-downs were a highlight of The Thick of It and spin-off film, In The Loop (Photo: BBC)
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Enraged fictional spin-doctor Malcolm Tucker has been back in the news of late following a Brexit ‘debate’ with Alan Partridge in the latest edition of The Big Issue, guest edited by his and Partridge’s creator, Armando Iannuci.

• READ MORE: Peter Capaldi: My new sympathy for Malcolm Tucker

With The Thick of It having come to a close five years ago, it seems an apt time to round up the inventive motor-mouth’s most inspired insults.

WARNING: Contains strong language and – in Tucker’s own words – “violent sexual imagery”

“You’re a f***ing omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you f*** up.”

“Who was it that did your media training, Myra Hindley? It’s terrible! All these hands all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra. It was like watching John Leslie at work.”

“Your only problem was a f***ing s**t pun in a newspaper, and a face like Dot Cotton licking p*ss off a nettle.”

“He’s useless. He’s absolutely useless. He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.”

“The guy is an epic f***-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.”

“You are a real boring f***. Sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing, so I’ll sort that: you are a boring ‘F star star C**T!’”

• READ MORE: Foul-mouthed Scots swear nine times every hour

“F***ing Ollie!? He’s a f***ing knitted scarf that t***. He’s a f***ing balaclava.”

“I’ve never seen anybody look so f***ing ugly with just one head.”

“You’re about as funny as a blind toddler in a f***ing minefield.”

“No offence, but you’re not leadership material, yeah? I mean, f***ing curtain material in that outfit but, you know.”

“I wouldn’t f***ing p*ss on you, if you were f***ing allergic to p*ss, right?”

“You can’t have a Prime Minister called Dan. People called Dan work in f***ing fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.”

“You’re so back-bench, you’ve actually f***ing fallen off. You’re out by the f***ing bins where I put you.”

• READ MORE: Peter Capaldi on life after The Thick of It

“Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge t***, you’re not on a punt now.”

“Rob, Innes, Little Bo C***k-Jockey, and the Leaky F***ing M*nge Box.”

“I’d love to stop and chat but I’d rather have type 2 diabetes.”

“When I need your advice, I’ll give you the special signal: which would be me being sectioned under the f***ing mental health act.”

“You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing f***ing c**t, and I will tear your f***ing skin off, I will wear it to your mother’s birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian f***ing Rhapsody, right?”

“Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? Why don’t you just scuttle off back to f***ing Cranford and play around with your tea and your cakes and your f***ing horse c**ks. Let them eat c**k!”

“Sh**ehead Revisited.”

This article first appeared on our sister site, iNews.