COMEDIAN Alistair Barrie is 40. Shh! Don’t tell anyone. He intends to escape the stigma of being an urban fogey completely. And you can too...
Obviously, the first thing to do is make a list of dos and don’ts. After all, you’re 40... you love making lists:
1. Do lie about your age. Until even you believe it.
2. Don’t use a picture of someone else on Facebook, this looks bad when the police arrive.
3. Never use acronyms when texting, especially if you’re the Prime Minister.
4. Get someone younger to Tweet for you. Seriously. You’ll f**k it up.
5. Never use asterisks when swearing. It makes you look as though you’re scared, or trying to be edgy.
6. Don’t hang around with really old people. It does not make you look younger.
7. Don’t hang around with really young people. It does make you look older.
8. Only visit Footlocker after dark.
9. Do try to cultivate an air of combative light-heartedness.
10. Never use words like ‘cultivate’ or ‘combative.’
As long as no one knows you cry yourself to sleep, you should be fine. Oh, one last thing. Never show anyone your list. It’s a dead giveaway.
• Alistair Barrie: Urban Fogey, Underbelly, Bristo Square, until August 26, 6.50pm, £9.50-£11, www.edfringe.com