How Mark Dolan would change Edinburgh

Mark Dolan'stand-up
Mark Dolan'stand-up
0
Have your say

MARK Dolan’s new Fringe show, at the Gilded Balloon is called Mark Dolan Changes the World. Here he reveals the five things he’d change about Edinburgh.

“It goes without saying I adore Edinburgh. I studied at Edinburgh Uni for four years and have been back every year since for the Fringe. However, as my show is about changing the world, here are some things I would change about the beloved Scots Capital.

1: A lift up Arthur’s Seat. One of the greatest views in Western Europe, but it’s a bit of a shlep, especially after a few pints of McEwans 80.

2: I’d get rid of the expression ‘New Town’. It’s not new any more. Some of those beautiful buildings are over a hundred years old. I’d go for ‘newish town’, ‘nearly new town’ or ‘pre-loved town’. And the expression Old Town would have to go too. That’s ageist. Experienced Town would be more polite.

3: Flatten the city. Let’s be honest, those staircases in the city are a nightmare. Up and down, up and down. I say get the diggers out and bring it all on one level. Let’s make Edinburgh Scotland’s answer to Amsterdam. There’s already the drugs and hookers, so you’re half way there.

4: I would ban those shops selling Scottish souvenirs. Why do they think playing bagpipe CDs very loudly will increase sales of Loch Ness tea towels?

5: Haggis is disappearing because of all the restaurant chains. If you want to trade in Edinburgh, haggis must go on the menu. In years to come people will be ordering a large McHaggis with fries and that will be progress.

And finally I’d build a tram network in Edinburgh. I’m only joking. That would never work....

Mark Dolan Changes The World, Gilded Balloon, Teviot, until 24 August, 7.30pm, £9.50-£10, 0131-226 0000