Liam Rudden: Why we’ll never win Eurovision

Mans Zelmerlow. Pic: Comp
Mans Zelmerlow. Pic: Comp
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UNFORTUNATELY, for Serbia, it was over when the fat lady sang. She was robbed. Spain, too, should have scored more points but, as I predicted, Sweden walked it with Mans Zelmerlow’s Heroes... yes the annual Eurovision debrief has started.

It’s all very familiar. The UK picks a truly atrocious act then spends days bemoaning the fact it didn’t win. A meagre five points this year ensured we weren’t bottom of the pack, just. But, really, 24th of the 27 countries who made it through to the final is nothing of which to be proud.

Truth is, were we not part of the Big 5 along with France, Spain, Italy and Germany and automatically through to the final for bank-rolling the event, the chances are our abysmal effort, performed by a Mick Jagger impersonator and a wannabe reality ‘star,’ would never have featured on Saturday.

Trawling Twitter, the comments of other counties’ ‘Graham Nortons’ summed it up.

Swedish commentator: “Written by a guy who makes commercial jingles, sang by two completely unknown artists, this really tells us how much England cares about this competition.”

The German announcer was equally direct: “The UK still hasn’t realised this is not a comedy show,” while Austria’s spokesperson observed that Electro Velvet’s Still In Love With You was “a three minute cry for help.”

Finally, from Norway: “The UK used to rule a quarter of the world now they mostly rule last place of the Eurovision Top List.”

They’re all spot on. Back in the day, Wogan gently poked fun at the more unfortunate acts, today the UK pokes fun at itself, whether by ignorance or design it’s hard to tell. Maybe it is a deliberate ploy. Perhaps the BBC can no longer afford to host the event.

Still, as long as we are one of the Big 5, the income from syndicating the rights around the world makes our involvement lucrative.

Sadly, Eurovision is no longer really about talent... although I’m sure there are some who would argue it hasn’t been for a very long time.