Stephen Bailey on how to mend a broken heart

Stephen Bailey. Pic: Comp

Stephen Bailey. Pic: Comp

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Stephen Bailey is making his Fringe debut in Neon Heart at the Gilded Balloon. But love is never all roses and here he muses on how to mend a broken heart

BREAKING up from someone SUCKS - they say falling in love makes you a little crazy, but being forced back out of it turns you into Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction.

But what follows is most important... it’s about mending your heart. I just broke up with The One - so I certainly wouldn’t wish a break-up on anyone... unless I fancy your boyfriend.

The most important thing after a break-up is to make sure you work through it before you become a bitter old queen.

The first thing you absolutely have to do is cry. Cry all day, all night - cover your pillows in snot. Make the mistakes early on - eat the junk food, then make a pass at your oldest friend - it’s called being emotionally healthy and it gives you something else to be worried about.Then it’s all about the music - it’s time to the twerk. That’s what Miley did after Hemsworth... and so that’s what we are going to do.

Delete Facebook. Do it now, block the ex. Here’s the thing; if you don’t do this you will check their status every five minutes. You will want to know their every move and your ego is saying to you ‘S/he better miss me,’ and instead of getting back out there, you are just going to have a quick peek on a Saturday night at 10pm, which will ruin your weekend.

Oh, and don’t think I forgot about Twitter - delete that too. You do not need to know that they are on a coffee date with their new partner. You will kick off, cause an online scene, leave a drunken voicemail and then, oh wait, it’s their sister/brother... no going back now.

Once you’ve finished torturing yourself it’s time to move on. I have a very mature approach to dealing with exes - I hate them and I blame them.

Then spend some time with your friends, who will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to (people can be so selfish). And finally, take all of these positive steps: take time off work (says it’s diarrhoea - no one questions diarrhoea); get your hair done, look fabulous and start dating again.

Not to necessarily find the one... but to have fun - you’ve earned it.

Stephen Bailey: Neon Heart, Gilded Balloon, until 24 August, 4.15pm, £7.50-£8.50, 0131-226 0000