Fiona Duff: I know it’s bad, but I must see I’m a Celebrity

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It’s that time of year when my 12-year-old daughter and I snuggle down on the sofa every night and watch I’m A Celebrity, Get me Out of Here.

I know it’s not right, and that anyone with a modicum of education and half a brain should be doing something more constructive for that hour. I could pick the green tomatoes hanging outside the kitchen window and make some chutney; I could get the sewing machine out and make some clothes or I could read a book and expand my mind (and let’s face it there’s plenty of space between my ears).

However, I much prefer to sit on my backside and look at various people I have never seen before go slowly mad. I’m sitting here looking at photographs of those who have signed up this year. I am not here to judge – frankly if someone offered me 50 grand to go off to Australia in November and loll about I’d bite their arm off. The extra protein would be more than handy if I failed a bushtucker trial. Anyway, and I’m making a bit of a sweeping generalisation here, looking at some of these people you just know what is going to happen. Steve Davis is bound to turn out to be a thoroughly good guy who isn’t as boring as we all thought; Rebecca Adlington, pictured, will be happy to eat any grub that comes her way and that woman who I think played Mo on EastEnders will probably pick a fight with anyone that stands in her way.

Needless to say there are a few whose physogs I have never clapped eyes on before. There’s someone from Emmerdale, another from a US television series that my daughter will no doubt recognise and then there’s the “model”. I know she’s one of these because all the other females are wearing shorts down to their knees and clumpy boots, whereas she has donned a teeny pair of polka dot bikini bottoms and a pair of high heeled shoes.

Quite what she hopes to achieve is beyond my ken, but I would like to see her running away from an alligator dressed like that.