Fiona Duff: I’m all hot and bothered by property porn

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I went out to Barnton the other day. I know, I know – my life is just too exciting for words. However, there is a reason I am telling you this because I really don’t know the area that well.

Cramond, next door, with its inn and the great promenade for dog walking, is another matter altogether. Of course, with that being the case for many people in Edinburgh it does tend to get a tad busy at the weekends, especially if the sun is shining.

But Barnton, with the big houses and humongous gardens really would be quite a nice place to live. What with the Royal Burgess, Bruntsfield and Silverknowes golf courses I might actually get around to trying to learn the sport properly.

Every so often my husband and I do look around at somewhere else to live. He works in Milnathort and it would certainly cut down his commuting time if we were there, and maybe make him a bit less grumpy when he arrives home at night. Then again, I wouldn’t bank on that being the case.

There is a lovely eco-house called Foxfield on the market which would mean that my carbon footprint would be a lot less than my real one when stomping around the garden. It comes with a gatehouse which is handy as I’d need someone else to fork out the million-plus quid to buy the property, so I could then rent the wee house from them.

There’s one a lot cheaper at Gamekeepers Road that comes with a garage that looks like it could accommodate a bus, which is always a handy extra to have when you accumulate stuff like my family. I sometimes think that they have some sort of invisible rubbish magnet attached to their arms every time they venture out – probably inherited from me, to be honest.

Unfortunately, all this trawling through property porn sites is doing nothing for my mental health. I might wish for the semi-bucolic life in somewhere like Barnton but in the meantime I’d be better trying to find a friendly bank manager before I think about a new home.