John Gibson: A new deal sailing the seven seas

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In the navy you can sail the seven seas but brace yourself. You’ll be in a navy without an aircraft carrier by 2017. Ship without a sail, so to speak, while they do a bits-and-pieces job on the new Queen Elizabeth at Rosyth.

First find a recruiting office. There used to be one in the raped and pillaged Shandwick Place and it could well be along with a raft on the shuttered side of the street.

Okay for the Village People in their day. They sang out maritime material loud and proud. In today’s navy we’re promised a partially operational carrier late 2022.

Meanwhile I’m defying the Ministry of Defence and letting you into an open secret – you won’t be able to land on the deck in hot weather. You’d better believe it. Work on Shandwick Place will still be going on.

Pipped at post

Rotten to the core? A daffy dental practice in the Midlands has sacked a 28-year-old nurse for eating an apple, I’m told by an incider. She won the hearing at an employment tribunal and her compensation was still to be determined.

I’ve always thought apples are good for your gnashers. Maybe nobody had told this dentist.

Footing the bill

Well bless my sole, haven’t Gandhi’s well-worn sandals been up for sale at auction? Expected to raise £15,000. A bargain if they are, in fact, the very same tattered slip-ons he was wearing when he was assassinated in 1948 at 78.

For years later the crack from Leithers among us was “where’s ma hat ma, ah’ve lost it”? Mahatma Gandhi, a mere stick of a man, always did look like he could use a good bowl of my granny’s broth.