John Gibson: Are you a dunker or a plonker?

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Scientifically proven and I’m a dunker, a plonker if you like. While we commiserate with Heston Blumenthal over two of his chefs killed in a car crash, we must take old Blumers to task over his claim that chocolate biscuits taste better after they’ve been dunked.

He has used X-rays to examine the structure of these biccies before and after dunking and discovered that melting the chocolate on one side produces a “velvety smooth” texture.

Chef, have you nothing better to do? Something’s burning, turn down that gas.

Me, I’m a dunker, even with the gas at a peep, and the biscuit is dunked in Jack Daniel’s. Ever tried it with a Kit-Kat?

Tusk force

Elephants never forget and an entire herd in the afterlife are going to remember to trample Bobby Roberts. A circus owner, he was found guilty of causing unnecessary suffering to Anne, an Asian elephant.

Distressing in the extreme, we saw it on television. One of his employees, a Romanian (who wisely has fled back to his own country), was filmed torturing Anne with a pitchfork and beating the chained beast with a stick. Truly horrific viewing.

Roberts’ punishment from a Northampton court? A three-year conditional stint. No wonder the Animal Defenders International are outraged. Yes, Mr Roberts, a vengeful trampling awaits you.

Afterwords . . .

. . . Joanna Lumley at 66, talking posh but realistically: “A little bit of stocking-showing is a lot more erotic than sitting down with your underwear off and your legs akimbo. After about three minutes there’s nothing more to look at.” True. I’ve been there, my dear.