John Gibson: Get a grip, Victoria!

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Maybe she’s not quite up to the new technology. Anyhow here’s a bit of advice for Victoria Derbyshire who has her own show most mornings between 10 and 11.

Get yourself a piece of metal. Freely available, it’s called a Kirby grip. Either that or get a bloody haircut. Continually flicking her hair from her eyes is an irritant. What I’m trying to say, woman, is just get a grip!

Return match

Cor strike a light! Fags ‘n’ Matches are enjoying another plug here already and it’s just for old time’s sake.

They’ve been invited back to the Maybury Casino on August 8 and September 20. Hearts of gold the lads, with vocalist John Miller at the helm, are doing both gigs for charity.

Man of the cloth

Did you read about George Clooney and the Vegas waitress who asked for his autograph? Gorgeous George signed the entire table cloth.

It couldn’t happen here. For a start chances are he’d be pushed to find a restaurant with a table cloth. Well, not a crisp white linen cloth. And was the crockery cleared first.

Ted had talent

All this palaver about Ted Heath. Our ex-Prime Minister wasn’t a bad piano player. I put him up there alongside Winnie Atwell.

And if you don’t know who Winnie was ask your granny. Her records still go well with a packet of crisps.