John Gibson: It’s wakey wakey time for wimps

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Thanks a bundle to 50 shades, sales of erotic fiction are still brisk, I’m informed. So what else is new? I’ve been peddling exotic fiction in this column for yonks.

Which brings me back, tears in my eye, to my halcyon days with the military. We’d be hauled unceremoniously from our bunks at five in the morning, in a chilly billet by a heartless RAF drill corporal. Turned boys into men, he’d habitually holler.

Now I’m hearing – and can hardly believe it – companies will be paid for waking up teens in the morning to help them get to work or school on time.

This is to do with a £126 million Government drive to reduce the number of not in education, employment or training. They’re called “neets”. One of Nick Clegg’s brainwaves. Looks like a ninny, does Clegg, talks like one and you’re asking how you voted for him and his party.

Gone off track

A heartfelt plea from Edinburgh City Council who plastered at Bus Tracker stops Please Accept Our Apologies For The Inconvenience. I’ve got news for them – we don’t. We are monitoring the ongoing total and utter shambles, an appalling squandering of funds. We eagerly await golden handshake resignations from the perpetrators.

Cross with Dave

You can’t wear a crucifix at work. So decrees a European Court. A test case will be heard and if the ban sticks, Call Me Dave has vowed to overrule it.

Aye, right. We’ve heard this before, promises and U-turns galore from Cameron. Chancer.