John Gibson: Let me tell you the hole story

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Don’t be in too big a hurry to have these holes proliferating Edinburgh’s streets, like the one below, filled in. They could well become an invaluable matter of convenience.

I’m pulling the plug when I tell you that a DHL warehouse in Swindon has installed hole-in-the-ground squat toilets for Eastern European employees who don’t know how to use our British lavvie.

They have this endearing habit of standing on the seats and making an imaginable stomach-churning mess. They had strolled through immigration and, no 
surprise, they were doing it again today.

You heard, of course, about the 37-year-old Romanian who had been only a week in the UK when he was nabbed in a Barrow Tesco’s nicking 54 bottles of Scotch and allowed to because, his defence said, his English was so poor he couldn’t read the health and safety instructions. But the judge did order him to pay £85 costs.

‘‘Just lop it off my benefits, your honours,” might well have been the reply.

A sign of the times and, we hope, not of things to come once our friends from Eastern Europe arrive en masse this side of the border.

Afterwords

Have you got your free pen from Parky yet? Or tasted any of Ronnie Corbett’s sausages?