John Gibson: Majorcans doing the spade work

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Buckets and spades? Forget it. Your days of galavanting around Majorca in your bikini or trunks are over and Palma town council are setting an example their Edinburgh counterparts should follow. I’m bellowing to them because they need to wake up, need to be switched on.

Come the end of this month anybody, locals and tourists alike, will risk penalties of up to £500 for taking buckets and spades on to the beach or – here’s a goody some Edinburghers will particularly appreciate – bicycling on the pavement.

Topless or swimwear away from the pool or beach? Not on! And Palma in this welcome raft of new laws will fine folk for taking glass bottles on to the beach.

Tell me, do they take bottles on to Portobello beach? I rarely get down there. This means, of course, your columnist will be tucking his mankini into the drawer for the rest of the summer.

Not a word about dog poo, you’ll notice. Dare to let your dog do its business on the sand and in Palma they string you up.

Close shave

You won’t be surprised. Edinburgh’s Jobcentres are being inundated with jobseekers chasing one job, specifically the post of ‘‘female – must have beard” a la Eurovision winner Conchita Wurst, pictured below.

Well worth the chase. I’m promising singing lessons and razor blades for life to the successful applicant when he/she calls at Holyrood, a home for the hirsute. A grasp of German a plus.

Afterwords . .

. . off my rocker? Intensive care called for. I’ve been awake all night wondering if there are two ‘‘Es’’ in judgmental. When you’ve been in newspapers for ever, you worry about that and all manner of minutiae.