John Gibson: Yes, I do want jam on my piece

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Goodbye jeely piece, hello peanut butter. Dreadful news from the preserves front, I’m afraid.

Jam’s on the wane, usurped by peanut butter and chocolate spread. Marmalade is on a sticky wicket, too, sales down 5.3 per cent over the year. This is the sort of news I prefer to my shredder.

Of course, if you reside in, say, Morningside or Barnton or the Grange the following age-old street cry will be foreign to you: “Ma, throw me doon a jeely piece.”

The jam sandwich, wrapped in newspaper, would hit the street with a resounding thud from the tenement window.

To said residents of Morningside and Barnton, I have to hope you managed to look away from all this in time.

The cable guy

Sir Patrick Stewart, below, captain in the Star Trek series, at his new home in Brooklyn,has been tangling with the local cable television company, appealing to no avail and in despair, near to sobbing, he is saying: “I’ve lost the will to live.”

I well know how you feel, captain. But do not despair. There’s more to life. I hope.

Afterwords . .

Marco Pierre White, one of the ten-a-penny celeb chefs, is chuntering: “I am socialist in my heart and capitalist in my mind. I think to be a true socialist you have to be a capitalist first.”