OUR birthday is looming - we shall be stepping into the “late” side of the 20s, just a World Cup away from 30.
We’re at an age where we get asked what we want from relatives; if our birthday falls on a Monday our main concern is getting other people to drink with us; and our Facebook wall is littered with generic posts of “Happy bday babe” from people who probably don’t even know which city we now live in.
However, as the number annually rises, it has become apparent that there are some things (said in a ‘mum voice’) “you just never learn”. We discover more every day, but here’s a rundown of our top 11.
1: If someone warns you off a game because it is insanely addictive and they haven’t slept for three weeks DO NOT ‘try it’ as you think there is a chance they are being melodramatic.
Our first lesson of this was the Lion King on the Sega Megadrive (FYI: the level with Scar and all the bones cannot be passable - we tried for two years).
Lisa has recently been swept up by the fruity colours of Candy Crush, pictured, and can be seen at all hours punching the air after a ‘Sugar Rush’. Disclaimer: do not download it to find out what a sugar rush is.
2: Setting multiple alarms is futile as the snooze button is best mates with your laziness. This friendship does not count as an excuse to your boss about your tardiness and will ruin your school reports and job references.
3: If you know you cannot go to a mate’s birthday/event the answer should always be ‘no’ as soon as you’re asked. “Yeah, I’ll see what I’m doing” then an apology double-booking text on the day never goes down well.
4: Despite what your four-year-old self is telling you, cards are lovely things to receive and are always appreciated.
5: Always do the dishes straight after you eat. Leaving things for a few hours will always result in them being there for three days with immovable crust and stains.
6: Fellow passengers will ALWAYS find you doing your make-up on public transport. The stares and whisperings at your ‘transformation’ simply aren’t worth it.
7: You do not need to purchase every product in Boots for your holidays. The chances of you needing that athlete’s food powder are slim to none.
8: There are never, ever stamps in your purse or wallet, despite you swearing blind - staring at the letter box - that you’d seen some there yesterday.
9: Having ‘one for the road’ is a myth and saying “I’ll never drink again” is generally (always) a lie.
10: Woman’s toilets are ruthless, ruthless places. Example conversations: “But my unborn child is dancing on my bladder”. “Yes, well I just danced around Marks and Spencer with my legs crossed, so you’re not taking my space.”
“I know you’re applying your entire make-up bag to your face in slow motion, but please may I get to the sink to wash my bacteria-ridden hands?”
11: Boys are still icky. That suited, suave immaculate guy will be trumping in your bed eating a Ginsters pasty and slurping Fanta from the bottle in no time.
At 90 years old he will still find his flatulence funny. Fact.