FORGIVE me, just off for a loud scream in the local woods. Shan’t be long . . . in fact, expect me back sometime in September.
I’ve just seen the John Barrowman Better Together video. And now I’ve picked my jaw up off the floor, I’m thinking, “Oh God, if I have to put up with this kind of twee rubbish for the next eight months, I’d rather live in England”.
In a “hoots mon the noo” accent, the Face of Boe managed to channel what Robert Burns is thinking from beyond the grave – no doubt such skills come from having appeared in all those weird Doctor Who episodes in which logic is out the window and any old gibberish will do.
To be fair, I found it hard to concentrate on what he was actually saying – something about Alex Salmond being a pudding – so hypnotic was the Brigadoon accent and totally naff-tastic Alexander Brothers jaikit that he could have been telling me his credit card Pin number and inviting me to raid his account and I’d still not have computed a word of it.
Of course, I’m certain that if I trawl through the independence campaign I’ll find plenty of toe-curling elements there that are equally disturbing – for a start, their website trumpets support from a River City actress who I’m sure is very good but who I’ve never heard of.
What worries me is that in this so-called great nation, our political leaders and their advisers seem completely hopeless at getting their message across in a sophisticated manner that most of us don’t find a little bit – okay, a big bit – rubbish.
We get old actors who haven’t lived here since they delivered milk from the back of a horse and cart, and dimpled younger ones who left aged eight and return to play panto with the Krankies.
Are these the folks who the rest of us are supposed to sit up and take advice from? No disrespect intended but . . . really?
Of course they’re entitled to their view. I could almost take the cheesy slogans and the white teeth, the inevitable lilting Scottish lullaby playing in the background if there was a bit of real argument, some explanation of why we should leave the union or, indeed, stay.
Scotland’s future is surely more than an opportunity for the entertainment industry to snap up a few more bucks for their pension pot in return for sharing their wisdom with the great television watching nation.
Carry on throwing gobby C-list celebrities our way and there’ll be no-one left in the country to actually vote.