TEAR yourself away from the humdrum of a typical Tuesday and indulge in a wee fantasy of the nudge nudge, wink wink kind.
Where would you like to go? Perhaps the red light district of Amsterdam or the pulsating throb of Bangkok? A secluded tropical beach... romantic Paris maybe?
And who with? Some A-list heartthrob, maybe a music star or top model? Perhaps them all?
OK stop now – unless you’re on a roll, in which case, close the blinds and put out the cat (nothing more likely to kill the passion than Tiddles pouncing at that crucial moment or the neighbour popping around with your Amazon delivery).
I wonder, did your most risqué fantasy take you on an erotic journey to far-flung places or much closer to home . . . say, Livingston? And could it be that accompanying you on that wild fantasy was none other than your child’s teacher?
Two separate sex surveys breathlessly exploded into my inbox yesterday to confirm that naughty behaviour and saucy thoughts are focused much closer to home than we may have imagined.
Who’d have believed in this season of Fifty Shades of Grey that the hottest town in Scotland for hanky panky would be Livingston, previously better known for its frustrating roundabouts, lack of pavements and random underpasses?
Actually, anyone who has found themselves tackling the Lizzie Brice roundabout for the tenth time, completely lost, may well wonder if a sadistic mind like Fifty Shade’s perv Christian Grey’s was behind a town so torturous to negotiate that it makes you want to smack your head off the dashboard.
The West Lothian town was named by extra-marital affairs website Illicit Encounters as the go-to place if you’re looking to cheat. Its 2015 Infidelity Index puts Livi just behind Beeston in Nottinghamshire for married love cheats, with 1152 people currently “at it” – just over two per cent of the entire population.
But spare a thought for tiny East Linton, population around 1770, where it’s claimed there are seven people doing the dirty – the net curtains must be twitching there today.
Another marital affairs dating website, Victoria Milan, claims 76 per cent of British men who cheat also have time for sex fantasies, mostly about their child’s teacher. Each to their own, but my son’s teacher is an almost-retired dragon who red-cards kids for talking at lunch and disciplines them for playing “tig”, so quite an acquired taste, I’d imagine.
To be fair, they also fantasise about the bartender at their favourite pub, porn stars, babysitters, sister-in-laws and, to be honest, just about every other female they encounter.
Of course, you could argue that those who spend all their time thinking about it probably aren’t actually doing it. Unless, of course, they are in Livingston.