Sandra Dick: Observe the tram etiquette

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Amid all the hoo-ha and expense, endless debate and wall-to-wall selfies, one element of our new tram service was woefully forgotten.

It only became obvious on Saturday as 40,000 battled to get a seat on a tram and that’s how to actually behave on board.

Anyone who’s used the London Underground knows the rules: avoid eye contact, don’t speak, try not to scream.

But what about our Edinburgh Trams etiquette?

So here, in the interests of preventing outbreaks of tram rage, is my guide to being a nice – or, at least, inoffensive – tramster.

• Just shut up about it. Next one who shouts “So this is what you get for £776 million!” while filming an oncoming tram gets a shove and the chance to film under a tram’s wheels. Likewise, the next person to say “£776m! They could have built a new castle for that, hahaha!” should just not get on the tram and take the bus instead. Preferably to Glasgow.

• Wear lots of deodorant, always. First day brought on board a ripe smorgasbord of humanity, most in need of a long squirt of Right Guard. I’m sure one man in my carriage had just finished a shift at the pig farm, rolling in slurry. Others oozed the olfactory remains of last night’s curry, mixed with old oxters. Unless you’re good at not breathing, take a gas mask.

• Be nice. Especially the bloke who unleashed foul-mouthed abuse at his meek-looking wife when they couldn’t find a seat side by side. Newsflash: the trams are relatively quiet, NO NEED TO SHOUT or swear or be a jerk.

• Luggage racks are for luggage. There’s a clue in the name. Seats are for bums, handbags sit on laps. How difficult is that? It’s not tram policy, but I suggest small children be plonked on luggage racks rather than use a seat that an adult might need. It’s called “teaching them manners”.

• Don’t board an already packed tram. When you see a tram approach and the weeping passengers’ red faces resemble Edvard Munch’s Scream, it means it’s full. Trying to elbow on then telling everyone to “move up” can lead to injury – ie, yours.

• Finally, note to men: women do not enjoy being pinned against the doors by your beer belly. And your hot breath on our necks is creepy. (This rule does not apply to hunky male model David Gandy, David Beckham or Brad Pitt),

All quite simple really. Just follow the rules and try not to get too carried away. It is, after all, only a bloody tram.