Sarah Millican had a Big Event coming up. It was the Bafta awards. Sarah is an amazingly talented comedian, and they wanted to hurl awards at her. So she went out and bought a frock, so far so good. Unfortunately, some people didn’t like the frock and gave her what we in Scotland call dug’s abuse. Folk wore their fingers out twittering away and even Lorraine Kelly got in on the act.
Understandably, Sarah was very upset. Anyone who got that load of vitriol aimed at them would feel that the shine had gone off their night. Sarah pointed out, quite correctly, that she’s a comedian, and not a model or any other sort of professional clothes horse. She liked her dress, and by jingo, she was going to wear it.
She compounded her crime, it would seem, by buying the dress in John Lewis. How very dare she! What, sully the perfection of the red carpet in a dress you can buy in a department store?
To be honest, I was a huge fan of Ms Millican before. I love her even more now, simply because she turned up in a dress that didn’t cost the equivalent of the gross national debt of a third world nation.
The fashion vultures circled, and as circling birds are wont to do, they made a lot of noise, dropped a lot of birdy doodoo and then made off to pick over the bones of anyone else who had committed a crime against couture, such as wearing red shoes and green tights, or being fat or showing signs of ageing, or being female.
Of course, the answer to Sarah’s predicament was there all the time. Over in Eurovision land, a lady won for Austria, sporting an admittedly rather chic outfit, and a beard. No-one has mentioned the frock at all.
So, Sarah, next time you want to wear whatever you want to wear without attracting the claws and spite of those vultures of fashion, pop on a false beard, and everyone will love you. Think I might go in for a bit of facial fuzz myself.