Talk of the town: A right royal kick in the teeth for Jims

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THE courts of two Scottish kings have been left reeling after discovering they have been dropped from the line-up of royal battlers slated to appear during the History Festival at the Stand Comedy Club on Thursday.

Five of Scotland’s Stewart monarchs had originally been invited to take part in We Need to Talk About James, a verbal contest which will see one king called James reign supreme.

James I and VI had been seen as the Jims to beat – and will now have more time to dominate proceedings – but James II and V have still been stunned by the decision to drop them.

James V’s fearsome press spokesman Archie Archibald is now calling for the head of festival director Susan Morrison, who has gone into hiding until Thursday night in a bid to escape his ire.

Airport panda-monium helped land indy vote

THE pandas at Edinburgh Zoo may not have managed any offspring yet, but they have played their part in paving the way for Scotland’s independence referendum.

The Edinburgh Agreement, giving legal authority for the vote, was successfully negotiated by Scottish Secretary Michael Moore and Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, who were both hailed for their efforts at last week’s Scottish Politician of the Year awards.

But accepting his gong, Mr Moore revealed that the endurance expected from him and Ms Sturgeon hanging around at Edinburgh Airport for Tian Tian and Yang Guang had set the scene for the referendum talks.

He said: “After waiting on the tarmac in Baltic temperatures to welcome the pandas, anything seemed possible.”

Touchy subject for MSPs

NO punches have been pulled at Holyrood in recent days, with the First Minister in particular coming under heavy fire.

And while a lunchtime scrum might sound like the perfect way for parliamentarians to settle a few scores, an invite from Green MSP Alison Johnstone’s office warns that newcomers to a weekly touch rugby clash must play gently.

The e-mail reads: “It is also worth saying that ‘touch’ really does mean a light touch, this is not a rough contact sport.”

Crisis management

IT’S not just men who suffer a mid-life crisis – chimpanzees and orangutans do too, according to a new study. The researchers – including psychologist Dr Alex Weiss from Edinburgh University – studied 508 great apes.

So if you see a middle-aged chimp cruising the streets on a Harley, give us a shout.