Talk of the town: No joy for Hibbies in virtual world

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FOOTBALL fans have united to pour scorn on plans for a new league set-up. The proposal would see two top leagues of 12, later splitting into three divisions of eight to sort out promotion and relegation.

That prompted our friends at STV to put the blueprint to the test. They used the data editor on popular computer game Football Manager to create the set-up before playing out a full season.

And it turned out virtual Hearts fans were the happier.

After finishing in the bottom four of the SPL “regular season”, the program concluded Hibs would be forced into the relegation play-offs where they finished eighth . . . out of, er, eight.

That meant relegation and at least a year in the “Championship” for the Easter Road men. In the real world, Pat Fenlon will surely do better!

A-board keepy uppy would be so much wittier

TOP comedy club The Stand has given some friendly advice to those intent on violence.

A tweet issued yesterday read: “Kicking in our A-board lacks originality and comedy value, plus your foot will hurt. Learn keepy uppy instead.”

And that’s no joke.

Hoy gets the bum’s rush

Some might say that becoming Britain’s greatest Olympian of all time has made Sir Chris Hoy untouchable.

This Twitter user would say otherwise, but the Freeman of Edinburgh was quick to fire out a warning, tweeting: “You’re brave putting your hand there!”

Just yanking your chain

Nothing says I love you like giving it a wash. That is the perfect mantra ahead of Valentine’s Day, according to sustainable travel charity Sustrans as part of its guide to romance.

Other tips include “nothing is quite as romantic as firm rubber” and “treat it to some lovely new accessories”.

And after you’ve done all that, “grab your coat, gloves and hat and go for a great ride!”.

TOTT is now hoping all our readers realise that for “sustainable travel”, read “cycling”.