Susan Morrison

Susan Morrison: It’s my own personal fall of the house of usherette

There has long been a conspiracy to wipe any trace of my existence from the face of the earth. My first childhood home fell to the wrecking ball decades ago. The foundations of my primary school lie under a new housing development, like it got taken out by Jimmy the Squirrel in a mafia-style hit.

Youngsters in fancy dress enjoy themselves at Leith Gala Day. Picture: Lisa Ferguson

Susan Morrison: It’s a case of who dares bins at Leith Gala

2 Para, the lads who yomped across the Falklands in ’83 have the proud motto “Ready for Anything”. The SAS, the chaps who abseiled down the front of the Iranian Embassy in 1980 without so much as a single box of Milk Tray between them, sport “Who Dares Wins” on their cap badges. Stirring stuff.

The docks and Leith's seafaring connections have a starring role in Leith Festival which gets underway tomorrow

Susan Morrison: Meet villains, pirates – and me – in Leith

It’s summer and the Shore is looking good, so get yourself a bit of Fit o’ the Walk vibe, and join us at the Leith Festival.

A deflated airbag (Picture: LA Times via Getty)

Susan Morrison: My fight for double-airbag op

Meeting number two with my jolly cancer nurse and my increasingly less jolly consultant, who clearly distrusts my decision to have both the airbags removed.

'So, tell me how you're feeling': Sometimes, psychologists can be a bit trying

Susan Morrison: Psychologist finally comes round over my boob op

One of my lady bumps is actively seeking to kill me and there’s a family history of entanglements with cancer, so I though it prudent to whip them both off before the other one got deadly.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Susan Morrison: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to the cinema we go

I’ve always had a soft spot for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The Duke of Edinburgh during Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding

Susan Morrison: Our royals aren’t racist, they’re humanist

Prince Phillip, who increasingly resembles a preserved body pulled from a Hebridean peat bog, appeared a tad rattled at the wedding.

Manuka honey: Is it the secret of the All Blacks rugby success?

Suan Morrison: Scotland could be a land of milk and honey

There are so many wing-borne comrades about that I wonder if here is a hive nearby. I recently listened to a fascinating programme about New Zealand’s Manuka honey.

Bumblebees have  a definite air of Boris Johnson about them (Picture: PA)

Susan Morrison: Bumblebees – the Boris Johnsons of the insect world

Opening the front door to reveal a scene of chaos and panic is not unusual for me. I regard pandemonium as a natural state of affairs. There are moments of calm, but they are usually very late at night, until at least one cat knocks over something glass in the bathroom, just to keep the vibe going.

Trump Turnberry has banned Irn-Bru because it apparently stains the carpets (Picture: John Devlin)

Susan Morrison: Drink Irn-Bru to protest against Donald Trump

A few weeks ago, I outed myself as a Scot who did not particularly like Irn-Bru but is fully supportive of your right to drink Irn-Bru.

Among other violent encounters with animals, Susan Morrison once used her umbrella to see off a swan (Picture: Phil Wilkinson)

Susan Morrison: I’ve punched puffin, a Highland cow and a horse

It has to be said that I am not great fan of swans. Well, to be fair, I’m not that great a fan of wildlife in general.

It won't be pretty underneath that red frock. Picture: SWNS

Susan Morrison: Congrats Kate, now get on your joggy bottoms

Dear Kate, congrats on the new baby. Well done, lass, but sweetheart, high heels?

Leith Walk was ripped up in preparation for a tram line that never came

Susan Morrison: In great tram wars, you must pick a side

There are times when I think we’ve never been free of The Curse of The Trams. Probably the first question Mary, Queen of Scots asked when she stepped ashore was: “What about the trams, eh?”

Sir Richard a real high-flier with his rocket pack. Picture: AP

Susan Morrison: Alexa, why aren’t you a jetpack?

The latest thing in modern technology is a short piece of kit that talks to you. No, not Jeanette Krankie.

Turmeric powder will not be going up Susan Morrison's bahookie

Susan Morrison: Turmeric colonic irrigation is not for me – or is it?

Thank you for the kind wishes and support sent to me when my breast cancer was diagnosed.

Susan Morrison fears for her status as a Scot over her dislike of Irn Bru (Picture: John Devlin)

Susan Morrison: Am I still allowed to be Scottish after this?

Here’s a deep dark secret I have hidden for a long time. I realise that this may mean I have to hand in my jotters as a Scot.

Is Vladimir Putin to blame for the Beast from the East? (Picture: AP)

Susan Morrison: Beast from the East? It must be Putin!

Naturally, I blame the Russians for the Beast from the East and all this bad weather. Well, they’re getting the blame for everything, so why not add one more charge to the sheet?

Boris Johnson: loveable rogue or travelling calamity? (Picture: PA)

Susan Morrison: I bet Theresa wishes she had a ‘brolly’ for Boris

Boris Johnson, the man always guaranteed to make a bad situation worse, heroically rose to the occasion.

After a terrible time with Agamemnon (centre) and Achilles (right) and a long journey home, at least Odysseus had a friendly dog to go home to (Picture: Graham Bartholomew)

Susan Morrison: Why Odysseus was lucky he had a dog, not a cat

When Odysseus finally staggered to the gates of his home city, after a journey that could be reasonably described as fairly hellish, his old dog rose and greeted him warmly before pegging out at his feet.

Last orders in Liverpool was 10.30pm in the 1980s (Picture: AFP/Getty)

Susan Morrison: Closing time at 10.30pm! How did we cope?

Back in the 80s, I worked in Liverpool. It was a tough time for the Liver Bird. The city was frankly a bit battered.

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