Susan Morrison

Don't be fooled by this little girl - grey squirrels are not cute. Picture: John Devlin

Don’t give me cute, squirrels do my nut in – Susan Morrison

Hush your wailing and dry your tears for the white squirrel recently totalled by a motor. I remain unmoved. Call me monstrous if you like, but I have waged war on these fluffy-tailed tree rats for many a year and see ­nothing to vex me in the passing of one of their beady-eyed number.

The trip to the V&A got off on the wrong note at Waverley. Picture: John Devlin

Susan Morrison: Vicar answered my prayers over piano pandemonium

We went on a day out, the grumpy Yorkshireman and I, just the two of us. I wanted to go to Dundee. Surprising choice, perhaps, but I had an ulterior motive. My cover story was that we could visit the new V&A building. My lure was that we could go on the train. He likes trains. He fell like a fool in a silent movie ­seduced by Salome’s dance.

enticing: Susan Morrison senses someone doesn't want to let her get away from it all

Susan Morrison: The devious plot to stop Brits leaving UK

It’s another great Scottish tradition. The second the Bells die away, the telly is wall-to-wall holiday adverts. Happy families whooping it up under azure skies, frolicking in topaz seas and actually talking to each other next to deep blue swimming pools across tables laden with beautiful food. What a belter of a fib to feed a nation staggering out of the festive trenches.

Gyms in January are packed with people who have resolved to get fit

Susan Morrison: Don’t get back on the resolutions treadmill

It has been a funny old year, 2018. On the upside, I am ­delighted to report that I finally managed to stick to a New Year’s resolution. I lost weight. On the downside, that was because they found out I had breast cancer back in April, which led to some ­fairly drastic re-engineering of the topography of my frontal elevation.

Angus Lennie is nowhere to be seen on The Great Escape's poster. Maybe he'd already scarpered to the Crossroads Motel

Susan Morrison: Compliments of the complicated season to you all

Christmas is so darned complicated these days. It used to be a straightforward one-day event. Morning, breakfast, eat ­entire selection box, except the ­Spangles, natch. Tangerine? May be consumed, but only whilst reading the Victor christmas annual before your wee brother, specifically to leave a sticky but festively-scented residue on the pages.

A blackboard and an Action Man ' both staples under the Christmas tree over the years

Susan Morrison: Ghosts of presents past that haunt my Christmas

The first Christmas present I can remember was a blackboard, with chalk. Not coloured chalk, mark you, just plain white chalk. I must have been very young, because I remember it was in my mum and dad’s first home, a one floor up room and kitchen in Glasgow, sadly flattened now as part of the international conspiracy to erase me from history.

Danish hygge is all the rage ' now Scots have their own version of relaxing with a warm cuppa on the couch. Picture: PA

Susan Morrison: There’s been a murder, so we’d better get cooried in

Anything Denmark can do, we can do better, right? Why, long before Scandi thrillers were offing Danes at a murder rate only equalled by Morse’s Oxford, we were right in there with Taggart, our very own granite-faced laconic detective with a problematic ­background and an accent so thick subtitles were required for viewers south of Carlisle.

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