58 of the best Halloween jokes and funniest one-liners

The spookiest time of the year is here. Picture: SWNS
The spookiest time of the year is here. Picture: SWNS
0
Have your say

Halloween is here, and people up and down the country are preparing their most ghoulish outfits for a night of trick or treating.

But if the horror all gets a little bit too much for you, here’s something light to keep you smiling: some good, some scarily bad!

What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centres.

What do birds say on Halloween? Twick or tweet.

What is a witch’s favourite class? Spelling.

What do mummies listen to on Halloween? Wrap music.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to prom? He had no body to go with.

Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos.

What’s a ghost’s favourite dessert? I scream.

How do you make a skeleton laugh? Tickle his funny bone.

Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.

How can you tell that vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night.

Where does Dracula keep his money? In a blood bank.

Where do ghosts like to trick-or-treat? Dead ends.

What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.

Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club.

Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts.

What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetit

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.

Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? They’re afraid of flying off the handle.

How are vampires like false teeth? They both come out at night.

What’s the problem with twin witches? You never know which witch is which.

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope that its Halloween.

Where do ghosts buy their food? At the ghost-ery store!

What is a ghoul’s favourite flavour? Lemon and slime.

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash!

What do you calla ghost with a broken leg? A hoblin goblin.

What do you call a fat pumpkin? A plumpkin.

What’s a monster’s favourite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.

What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.

Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.

What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich.

How do monsters tell their future? They read their horrorscope.

Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them!

What does a vampire fear the most? Tooth decay.

Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebbed.

What do ghosts use to wash their hair? Shamboo!

Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It raises their spirits.

What is a vampire’s favourite ice cream flavor? Veinilla.

What is a ghost’s favourite fruit? Booberries!

Why did the skeleton cross the road? To go to the body shop.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.

What do you call a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist.

What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.

Where do mummies go for a swim? To the dead sea.

Why do mummies have so much trouble keeping friends? They’re too wrapped up in themselves.

Why was the mummy so tense? He was all wound up.

What did the skeleton say to the bartender? I’ll have two beers and a mop.

What is a ghost’s favourite party game? Hide-and-shriek.

A version of this article first appeared on our sister site The I