How Mark Dolan would change Edinburgh

Mark Dolan'stand-up
Mark Dolan'stand-up
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MARK Dolan’s new Fringe show, at the Gilded Balloon is called Mark Dolan Changes the World. Here he reveals the five things he’d change about Edinburgh.

“It goes without saying I adore Edinburgh. I studied at Edinburgh Uni for four years and have been back every year since for the Fringe. However, as my show is about changing the world, here are some things I would change about the beloved Scots Capital.

1: A lift up Arthur’s Seat. One of the greatest views in Western Europe, but it’s a bit of a shlep, especially after a few pints of McEwans 80.

2: I’d get rid of the expression ‘New Town’. It’s not new any more. Some of those beautiful buildings are over a hundred years old. I’d go for ‘newish town’, ‘nearly new town’ or ‘pre-loved town’. And the expression Old Town would have to go too. That’s ageist. Experienced Town would be more polite.

3: Flatten the city. Let’s be honest, those staircases in the city are a nightmare. Up and down, up and down. I say get the diggers out and bring it all on one level. Let’s make Edinburgh Scotland’s answer to Amsterdam. There’s already the drugs and hookers, so you’re half way there.

4: I would ban those shops selling Scottish souvenirs. Why do they think playing bagpipe CDs very loudly will increase sales of Loch Ness tea towels?

5: Haggis is disappearing because of all the restaurant chains. If you want to trade in Edinburgh, haggis must go on the menu. In years to come people will be ordering a large McHaggis with fries and that will be progress.

And finally I’d build a tram network in Edinburgh. I’m only joking. That would never work....

Mark Dolan Changes The World, Gilded Balloon, Teviot, until 24 August, 7.30pm, £9.50-£10, 0131-226 0000