34 of the Edinburgh Fringe’s top jokes from this year.
My friend Kim is on every single dating website. She refers to them all as the “husband directory” but behind her back we call it the Screwfix catalogue.
Chelsea Manders (10.30pm, Assembly George Square): Canada is a land of magical beasts, like the Celine Dion, who fends off predators with her extensive vocal range.
Jullian McCullough (10.45pm, Pleasance Courtyard, Beneath):
As an American visiting Edinburgh for the first time, all the buildings here look so old and magical. At one point I stopped a local and said, “Sorry to sound silly, but is that actually Hogwarts?” It was a Gregg’s.
Fin Taylor (10.20pm, The Tron): My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end e-mails without sounding pretentious.
Wendy Wason (5.15pm, Gilded Balloon – Balcony):
I walked into this hospital waiting room and there were hundreds of ill people there waiting to be seen. It reminded me of The Royal Mile, with a little less desperation and a lot more hope.
Stuart Black (10pm, Counting House):
You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack?
Alex Edelman (8.15pm, Pleasance Courtyard, Attic):
My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.
Lloyd Griffith (7.15pm, Pleasance Courtyard, This):
I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, “I’m going to play it by ear”.
Zoe Lyons (7pm, Gilded Balloon, Dining Room):
I like to wear a pair of 1950s sunglasses because life looks better in retrospect.
Thunderbards (4.45pm, Pleasance Courtyard, This):
Kanye West’s wife is endorsing my new mobile phone tariff called ‘SIM-card-ashian’.
Dane Baptiste (5.30pm, Pleasance Courtyard, Bunker 2):
Ukip are ridiculous – You cannot blame gays if it’s raining: unless it’s raining men, then it might be them.
Tom Rhodes (9.15pm, Gilded Balloon, Wine Bar):
I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.
Gordon Southern (5.30pm, Gilded Balloon, Sportsman):
I’ve got very sensitive teeth. They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.
Nish Kumar (7.15pm, Pleasance Courtyard, Beside):
I’m principled but also cowardly, that’s the Kumar way. If my family had a family crest, it would be a picture of a lion hiding.
Erich McElroy (6.55pm, Just The Tonic, The Community Project, The Little Kirk):
People tell me they like Americans but they don’t. I know they don’t because I’ve been listening to their phone calls.
Michael Downey (9.30pm, Underbelly Bristo Square, The Wee Coo):
I got up this morning and I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I don’t know what he was doing in my pyjamas but I shot him anyway.
My grandmother covered my grandfather’s back in lard. After that he went downhill quickly.
I’ve just ended a long-term relationship. I told my grandmother that my grandfather was having an affair.
Maff Brown (9pm, Gilded Balloon, Balcony):
I was very proud of my dad when I was at primary school and told everyone I went to school with that my dad was a soldier, a fireman and a policeman. Turns out, he was just a stripper.
I went to TGI Fridays last night. Not to eat, I just love singing happy birthday to strangers.
Andy de la Tour (5pm Gilded Balloon, Billiard Room):
If you’ve half a mind to vote Ukip, don’t worry, it’s all you need.
Brent Weinbach (9.15pm, The Sportsmans, Gilded Balloon Teviot):
My name is Brent Weinbach. Because I’m half Filipino and half Jewish, a lot of people ask me, who’s Filipino? Your mother or your father? My name is Brent Weinbach.
Ivor Dembina (6.30pm, The Balcony, Gilded Balloon Teviot):
I’m a Jew who believes we should give back the occupied territories – but I think we should hang on to New York.
Chris Turner (6.45pm, Pleasance, Pleasance Bunker 2, 6.45pm):
I used to be obsessed with Posh Spice. It cost me a fortune in saffron.
I used to love sitting in shopping trolleys. Mum would shout at me – “Christopher, get out... of the canal”.
My friend asked me, “If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?” I said Cold War Russia.
Cal Wilson (7pm, The Nightclub, Gilded Balloon Teviot)
I’m in danger of becoming a crazy cat lady. My husband reckons I’m already there, but I say what does he know, he’s just a cat.
Abigoliah Schamaun (6.45pm, The Turret, Gilded Balloon Teviot):
If I tattoo my lower abdomen, I want to get something super ironic, like the top of a muffin.
Damian Clarke (9.15pm, The Wee Room, Gilded Balloon Teviot):
Man, Jenner’s department store is posh!! The alarm went off as I walked INTO the place.
James Veitch (3pm. The Turret, Gilded Balloon Teviot): Statistically speaking, my one true love probably lives in China.
Bec Hill (5.30pm, The Turrett, Gilded Balloon Teviot):
I’ve come up with a TV show called, The Pottery Apprentice – where the WINNER gets fired.
Felicity Ann (12.30pm, Wee Room, Gilded Balloon Teviot):
“There will be absolutely no extra or hidden costs on your economy airfare.”
Patrick Monahan (8pm, Gilded Balloon Teviot)
I read in the paper knife crime had risen 20 per cent. Then I read mugging had risen 30 per cent. It’s scary, 10 per cent of muggers not using a knife.
I went for a job interview at Rentokil they asked me if I had any experience of pest control? And could deal with a rat infestation. I said: “Yes, I can play a flute!”