'I need more wine': Scottish recruitment firm posts tongue-in-cheek job advert

A stock image of someone searching for jobs online. Picture: TSPL/Phil Wilkinson
A stock image of someone searching for jobs online. Picture: TSPL/Phil Wilkinson
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Job adverts can often be a bit dull, uninspiring and full of bureaucratic language. But one Scottish recruitment firm has taken a very different, tongue-in-cheek approach.

Hamilton-based Virtue Recruitment Services recently posted a very frank job listing for warehouse operatives at the Eurocentral commercial development near Motherwell.

Do not apply if...

The notice specifically asks for people not to apply for the role if they are likely to do any of these things: "over sleep", "you have court often", "you do not have a babysitter everyday", "you need to get a lift to work later than our work day starts", "you experience flat tyres/break downs every other week", "have to hold on to a mobile phone all day", or you "will become an expert at your job with no need to learn or take advice after the first day".

The advert, for positions to work for a national client at the industrial site, describes Eurocentral as a "big warehousey place outside Glasgow on the way to Edinburgh".

It goes on to tell potential applicants that they must be able to "talk and work at the same time" and remember to come back after lunch, adding: "and when you win the Euromillions give us a call to tell us you're not coming back (yeah, seriously!)"

‘This is when you start’

The recruiter says it wants to hear from applicants who can get to Eurocentral for a start time of between 3am and 5am and bluntly states that "this is when you need to start work, not get out of bed and pretend you are unwell" .

Continuing the tongue-in-cheek tone, the advert goes on to say:

"If you are a fit, able bodied person (proof of gym membership not required) and not an ex managing director/lawyer who thinks working for £8.78 per hour is beneath them, then call me, Janice (not Jan, Janet, Jesus, that wumman, mum, especially not this one as I am not coming to get you out of bed, wipe your a$$, make your packed lunch and get you off to work) on 01698 674019, where I will make you an appointment (this is like the doctors where you get a day and time to come see me, you turn up and we talk. Sorry, no prescriptions) to get registered, tell you more about the job, make you a coffee, help you fill out the paperwork and I'll even give you a hi-vis vest so you don't get knocked over by the big bad lorry drivers."

‘When Neighbours is on and Blue Peter has just finished’

Bold type and capital letters are then used in the last paragraph to ask future applicants wanting to discuss the vacancy to only call Monday to Friday between 9am, when the 'big hand is on the 12 and little hand on the 9,' and 5pm, when the 'big hand is on the 12 and little hand on the 5, adding: "This is when Neighbours is on and Blue Peter has just finished."

The notice adds: "Calling out with these hours will automatically discount you from the process (because clearly you can't read, tell the time, and I will question whether you can actually walk upright without dribbling on your shoes).

"(sigh) I need more wine..."

Tongue-and-cheek ads

The company's managing director, Stuart Craig, said the firm posts the tongue-and-cheek ads every few weeks to tell people exactly what the job is about and to get their attention, adding: "We do it to engage with folk, to force people to actually read what we are advertising.

"The idea has grown arms and legs since we started doing it. We will say what everyone else is thinking when others might be too afraid to."

Another job listing for van drivers in Earnock, Hamilton, which has now expired, opens with the line: "Want the ride of your life?" before moving on to provide details on the main requirements of the role in straightforward fashion.