All this post-Brexit panic-buying has given me a cunning idea – Vladimir McTavish

While you are reading this, I should be in Shrewsbury, all being well. I say “all being well” as there is obviously a chance that I will actually be stranded on the hard shoulder of the M6 having run out of petrol within sight of the nearest motorway service area.

Saturday, 2nd October 2021, 4:55 am
Shops that were once full of stuff now seem to have unusual amounts of empty space on their shelves (Picture: Chris J Ratcliffe/Getty Images )

Following on from empty supermarket shelves due to the shortage of HGV drivers, we now are confronted with empty petrol stations because of the same problem.

“Let’s get Brexit done” may have sounded like a snappy slogan inside Boris Johnson’s head two years ago, but the reality of the ham-fisted way of how it was “done” is now coming home to roost.

There is a distinct possibility that we may not have enough fuel to drive to our nearest empty Morrison’s to find out that they have run out of something you thought was in limitless supply. It’s the toilet roll crisis all over again.

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It is a depressingly familiar scenario. A slight shortage leads to panic buying. Which leads to statements about not panic buying. Which inevitably leads to more panic buying.

If you don’t believe me, come round to my garage. I still have 223 multi-packs of Andrex that I bought in March of last year.

I know some people whose cars run on unleaded who have started panic-buying diesel. I even have friends who do not have a car, and who can’t even drive, who have started stocking up on petrol. I have spoken to otherwise sensible people who are buying jerry cans so they can keep a spare gallon in their boot. All that this will potentially achieve is nationwide panic-buying of jerry cans.

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The best way to shift any product, no matter how poor its quality or redundant its use, is to tell people not to panic buy.

So I would like to issue the following statement through the pages of this newspaper: “Vladimir McTavish would like to reassure comedy fans that there are plenty of copies of the DVD which he released in 2016.

"Any issues which customers may be experiencing buying this video recording of his 2015 Edinburgh Fringe show are due to logistical issues in the supply chain, caused by a shortage of staff able to transport the product to market.

"Please do not panic buy. If you see him at a gig and he is selling these DVDs, please only buy as many as you can possibly bear to watch. He has plenty of supplies of this redundant technology in his attic, and is attempting to recruit the Army to assist in getting the product to venues. Please be patient, it may take longer than usual to obtain a copy but the material will only be marginally more out-of-date by the time you do finally receive yours.”

Hopefully that should shift a few units. Five pounds each, if you are interested. Or a special offer of six for 30 quid, in case you want to hear those six-year-old “topical” jokes more than once. But please do not panic buy. There are plenty to go around.

If nothing else, it will give you something vaguely entertaining to listen to while you wait in a two-hour queue at your local BP filling station.

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