Domestic abuse: If you have a violent partner, escape like I did – Hayley Matthews

Hayley Matthews is still haunted by nightmares about life with a previous partner.

For a long time Hayley was too scared to leave Mr X, who subjected her to a campaign of violence

With all the facts and figures coming out about domestic violence and abuse during lockdown, it made me think of the filming I did with Women’s Aid a while back. In particular, one small handbag that was on display to show what one woman had left with, has always stuck in my mind.

I could relate as I also tried to flee an abusive partner. This small bag showed her desperation to not draw attention to the fact she was leaving and she fled with this bag and the clothes on her back.

I often wonder who that woman was. Did she escape? Is she safe now? It spoke volumes to me but also brought back bad memories of my experience of fleeing a violent partner.

Let’s call him Mr X. It was a while ago yet still, years laters, I have nightmares of him chasing and taunting me.

One reoccurring nightmare seems to be my current partner turning round to look at me, and it’s not him, it’s Mr X.

When I was with Mr X, I was young and it was one of my first serious relationships. He was from a troubled family too – his parents had split up when the father found a younger woman and left the mum, who was fragile, looking after the two youngest children. Mr X seemed to turn to drink to cope and I was often on the receiving end of his drunken paranoia and aggressiveness.

When I met Mr X, I was vulnerable and low in confidence. My mum was drinking heavily and home didn’t feel safe, so the new attention and lure of potential safety was attractive, but it didn’t quite work out like that. In fact quite the opposite.

After speaking to several counsellors through the years, I realise that when you have an alcoholic parent with violent tendencies it’s not surprising that you would – subconsciously – search for those tendencies in a partner.

During the time I spent with him I could see that his controlling behaviour, insecurities and violent aggressive alcoholism were becoming a problem. It made me feel even more uncomfortable than being around my mum.

One counsellor said to me people tend to go one of three ways with a drink in them: happy, sleepy or violent.

Unfortunately for me, it was the latter that Mr X displayed. I’d been head locked, kicked, pushed and even punched square in the face. I’d tried to leave him, but he wouldn’t let me and I was petrified of him.

So I was low on confidence and scared to leave but eventually, thank God, I did and I’m so grateful for finding the courage to do it.

It cost me the loss of a front tooth and a very swollen lip and face. And I was also sacked for not turning up to my job.

I couldn’t step outside for days, but it was worth it.

I’d written a letter telling Mr X I wanted to end things and put it on top of my wardrobe as I was scared he would see it but somehow he sniffed it out like a rat, found it, read it and punched me in the face so hard he knocked me out.

He insisted that I went into hiding at his mum’s for a week until my face settled.

His sister told me that I “wound him up”, making me feel as if I deserved it, but I was terrified of him and had no intention of trying to wind him up.

But I eventually left soon after – he must have known that was the final straw. So please, if you can relate, make a plan and get to safety. You’re worth more.

You can contact Edinburgh Women’s Aid on 0131 315 8110 or visit its website at edinwomensaid.co.uk

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