Susan Morrison: Girl band sparked a stushie with Weetabix

THERE they were, sitting on the daytime breakfast show sofa looking exactly as a girl band should. There was a great deal of tumbling hair. There were very tiny waists. There was much assurance of life-long friendship and respect.

There was much snorting of derision from the fat old walrus sitting on her own sofa watching them.

Do not snort whilst eating Weetabix. The resulting mess is frightful.

They are from London, I think, and they have released a record. Not sure where they were keeping it captive.

They are called – wait for it – Stooshe. That’s pronounced stooo-shay, which they told the rather fawning BBC presenters meant bling, innit?

Cue yet more Weetabix in a high velocity ejection across the living room. That cat will have to learn to move a lot faster.

Stooshe, or to spell it correctly, stushie, does not have anything to do with bling, innit. A stushie is a rammy. It could be a stairheed rammy, or a down and dirty out and out heid-tae-heid in the street.

Bling, innit? Not.

A fair bite of the apple

Now, imagine you went into a shop to buy an apple. Behind the counter there is a cheery soul to serve you.

“I’ll have an apple, please.”

“Certainly, that’ll be £1.75.”

“Jings, it was only £1.50 last week!”

“Ah, well, y’see. It’s the situation in the apple-growing regions of the world. Loads of unrest. All kinds of things kicking off.”

“Thought these apples came from New Zealand, a place not generally known for rioting in the streets? It’s where they filmed the Lord Of The Rings.”

“Well, they’ve got hobbit issues apparently. Look, tell you what, why not sign this paper here and get your apples for £1.75 every week, no matter how high the prices get.”

“Sounds fair – hang on what if the prices go down? ”

“Ah – then you can buy the contract out.”

“You mean give you more money?”

“Yup – you’ll have to buy us out if the shop across the road offers you cheaper apples as well ... Tell you what, though, if you only buy one apple a week, we’ll put you on our one-apple-a-week tariff and you’ll only pay £1.25. Mind you, if you get excited and buy an extra apple one week, we’ll probably adjust your bill for estimated apple usage for the next year”.

Gee whizz – what if they sold gas like that?

Di Geste this

IT was Gary Cooper, wasn’t it, in Beau Geste? Gary Cooper played Geste.

He had two other brothers.

He had an American accent, but apparently his brothers went to Eton. Weird.

His youngest brother was called Digby. Had they shortened his name (the English upper classes are ever so keen on that – looking at you, Dave Cameron), he would have been called Di Geste. Can’t be right.