Susan Morrison: Legacy of Reagan’s hair can’t push Obama out White House

Anyway, if their chap had won, what would they have had to talk about for the next four years? What do these weird people want, anyway? Everyone to be white, able-bodied and straight, living in a house with a white picket fence, purchased by the proceeds of daddy going to work whilst mom stays at home with the 2.4 children, dog and maid (black, of course). Politics is a strange business, but this bunch are trying to run policies that need a time machine, set for 1956.

There once was a family just like this on the BBC, on children’s television, as part of Watch With Mother. They were called the Wooden Tops. And you’d need to be to vote for a bunch of people like Mitt Romney and his crew.

And let’s be honest, anything that annoys Donald Trump has just got to be excellent. And annoyed he is. Apparently the election didn’t go his way, and he and his hair are demanding a million-man march on  Washington.

Has anyone – anyone – ever sat down and explained to this man that democracy means that people have a say in how things are run? You can’t just buy up huge bits of a country, and for example, throw people off it without consultation, make sure anyone who does manage to stay in their home has their gas switched off and then turn the resulting waste land into a giant golf course? Does he really think you can act like that in a democracy? Hold it...

American elections are very enjoyable though. Mainly because their politicians are so much better looking that ours. Even Mitt Romney looked like the sort of bloke you’d find in a western standing next to Clint Eastwood, and would probably deliver a performance every bit as powerful and moving as Clint’s last  co-performer, which as we all recall was a chair.

Mr Romney had very presidential hair, I must admit. Republicans go in for this bow wave of thick, suspiciously waxy black hair. Think Ronald Reagan. I think it may even be Ronald Reagan’s hair, carefully applied to the anointed candidate’s head prior to a run for White House.

And as for Mr Obama. Well, let’s just put it this way: I would be seriously tempted from the path of marital loyalty if he called. Oh mind you, maybe not. I’d be terrified of Michelle finding out. That lady looks like she could deck an angry bull. But she’d hug it afterwards.

Is jungle really best place for MP to express views?

Of course, if you are a British Tory MP, you can apparently just pop off at the drop of a bush hat to the jungle for a couple of weeks. I am assuming that the Tory Party will foot the bill for any constituents who need the aid and comfort of their representative to be flown out to Australia to have chat with Nadine Dorries.

Ms Dorries is, they say “outspoken”. She once told the world that David Cameron and George Boogle-eyed Osbourne, right, were “posh boys”. She told us this as if it were news.

She says she’s going out there to get her points across. Well, good luck with that, Nadine. I look forward to seeing you explain your views on sex education (just stop it) same sex marriage (just stop it) and probing for MPs’ dodgy expenses claims (just stop it) with a mouthful of wriggly bugs.

Although, as a Tory MP, it probably will be a nice change to be chewing a spineless creature and not calling it Prime Minister.

Take pride in rarity of redheads

Those scientists are at it again. They’re counting redheads. They say it’s to check that the proud tradition of the red hair of Gameskeeper Willy remains as strong as ever.

There were worries some years ago that red hair was dying out, and the natural born ginger was in danger of becoming rare.

Embrace the rarity, people! Let’s herd our last remaining redheads up and create a tourist attraction. We could call it Gingerland and run bus tours through to see wild Scottish russety heads.

Why, we could start a breeding programme to get the numbers up, maybe even sort out an exchange deal with China and swop them another couple of pandas for a pair of Redheads from Sighthill.

Course, we’d do well out of the deal, because at least our pair would breed.

Big issue is where do the middle men go?

Apparently you can now download the Big Issue direct to your iPad thingy. This is marvellous, since it means the sellers can work from home. Hang on, isn’t there a flaw in this somewhere...