Only a fool would predict what’s going to happen this year, so I have, writes Vladimir McTavish.
Four days into the New Year, and it will be interesting to see how many people’s resolutions remain unbroken after the first weekend of 2019. I reckon that I should achieve a best-ever personal success rate for keeping mine as I have decided not to make any this year.
I have managed to keep some resolutions over the years. In the 1980s, I became a vegetarian on New Year’s Day and have stayed meat-free ever since, apart from the time I drunkenly mistook real mince for quorn.
I’ve also swallowed the odd fly by accident, but that is the one resolution I have kept for any meaningful period of time. The main reason for this is that giving up things is not a great deal of fun.
I actually did manage to make it all the way through Dry January last year, and I have to admit that I’ve never known 31 days drag on for so long.
I was talked into doing it by a friend who had done “Sober October”, and who never stopped banging on about how clearly he could think after giving up alcohol for a month. And he was right, I was certainly thinking clearly.
After ten days, I was clearly thinking “it must be February by now, surely?”
January is also normally the month when we make predictions for the year ahead. I was thinking of resolving to give up making predictions for the whole of 2019, as there is probably no better time to do so.
After all, if the last few months of 2018 can be seen as a bellwether, only a fool would have a go at forecasting what will happen over the next 12 months.
For example, who would have bet any money on Theresa May still being Prime Minister by the end of last year, that Edinburgh derbies would witness worse crowd trouble than Glasgow’s Old Firm, that coin-throwing at football would make a comeback, that the shambles of Brexit would actually be overshadowed by two idiots with a drone bringing the UK’s second-largest airport to a standstill for 48 hours?
Having said only a fool would make any predictions for 2019, here are mine:
* Theresa May will stay on as Prime Minister. This is not based on an her ability to do the job, as she has proved to be woefully inept in every single aspect of the role for two-and-a-half years. It just appears that, in common with cockroaches, she is one of few life-forms likely to survive a nuclear holocaust.
* Everyone is going to be bored witless by endless documentaries celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Moon landing.
* We are all going to be even more bored by that tedious bloke down the pub spouting ridiculous conspiracy theories about the Moon landing being faked.
* People will start to use drones sensibly, ie to fly in vital food supplies and medicines after the UK crashes out of Europe.
* After a no-deal Brexit, the pound will become so valueless, football fans everywhere will be able to throw even more coins at people they don’t like.
* Finally, on a positive note, Edinburgh City will win promotion to League One.
All the best for 2019, and good luck keeping those resolutions.
Vladimir McTavish will be appearing at The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh, on Sunday 6 January