Here’s what would happen to Edinburgh if Underbelly did Burns Night – Susan Morrison

Every ticket could come with a free novelty Timerous Beastie, suggests Susan Morrison, as she conjures up a vision of a new Edinburgh festival.

Friday, 24th January 2020, 11:40 am
A Jackie Bird hologram would be an integral part of the 'Hogmanay Experience'. Picture: BBC

Is it still January? It doesn’t half go on a bit. December seems to fly past in a whirl of wrapping paper, fairy lights and tinsel, but January just drags itself along like a discarded Christmas tree getting pushed along Great Junction Street in a yet another hurricane.

Must be worse for people doing Dry January. If there was ever a time you needed gin, it’s now. I know the nights are getting shorter but come on, what is there to brighten the winter dark?

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Ah, people will say, but the Scots have Burns Night to look forward to. Let’s be honest, it’s a dinner and dance with your mates. There’s the thrill of working out which pal will wind up in A&E following a high-speed Strip the Willow, I suppose, but it’s still just one good night out.

So we try to cheer ourselves up by making Burns Night a bigger thing. Remember when Christmas just happened in December?

Well, be aware good people, Burns Night is showing signs of just such mission creep.

It’s only a matter of time before Happy Burns Night cards start appearing. Burns bunting will creep into the shops on January 2.

There will be a funfair in the Gardens under a giant inflatable haggis, with Underbelly selling tickets for the Tam O’Shanter rollercoaster, the Ae Fond Kiss tunnel of love and the “Hogmanay Experience” where it’s The Bells every hour on the hour, complete with fireworks and a hologram of Jackie Bird wishing you a Happy New Year as she leads you into singing the Burns global hit Auld Acquaintance. Every ticket comes with a free novelty Timerous Beastie. The minute someone says “Happy Burns Day” to you, you’ll know it’s started.