John Gibson: Bamber is back in the business

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Oft have I wished I’d stayed longer at the Academy. An additional couple of years at Leith’s revered seat of learning might have made a significant difference.

Then perhaps I could have sussed a few of those words flaunted by AA Gill, father superior of the world’s foodies who sounds like he has a dictionary stuck up his every orifice.

Then again, as a fully paid-up Leith Academical, allowed to mix with Bampot University Challenge Gascoigne and his buddies and permitted to rinse their champers glasses, I caught him and his namesake Paul swilling a couple of lagers down the pub.

Bampot at 77 will be rowing in the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee river pageant on June 3 along with his oarslady wife Christina. She’s a ceramicist. She would be, wouldn’t she?

Frankly, you don’t give a damn. What you want to know is what the two bampots were gassing about over that lager. Have the Jambos got to the final over a dodgy penalty?

Pardon me, I’ve just burped. Doubtless we’ll talk about that on May 19.

Kofi break

Little big man on the world stage. What does Kofi Annan do all day or, rather, what is he achieving?

Does Kofi, the UN’s “special envoy” and an unassuming chap by the look of him, swill coffee all day? And we never get to know what they’re paying him. Bet it’s big bucks.