John Gibson: Beware the rise of the monster rat

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Gnaw, gnaw it cannae be true! Well, it’s a fact if we are to believe Doctor Jan Zalasiewicz expounding his theory, if not a fact, at Leicester University, that rats bigger than sheep will 
become a reality in our lifetime.

Never forget, rats infinitely smaller than sheep spread the plague – that so-called Black Death that all but wiped out Edinburgh’s citizenry.

Fast forward to when rats as big as squirrels prevailed in these parts. I have that on reasonable authority from a city-centre tailor who in his quest for a squirrel trap assured me only one shop, the now-closed Gray’s of George Street, stocked them.

Rats bigger than sheep. Crivvens! I can visualise the time when we won’t dare say cheese.

Boys from Brazil

Soon he’ll have made more comebacks than Frank Sinatra. Adolf Hitler is the renaissance man. A welter of words about him in the papers. Haf you noticed? Stand to attention when I am talking to you, schweinhunds! Stop me if you’ve read something like this before.

Adolf crept out of his Berlin bunker and high-tailed it to Brazil. All the big-shot Nazis sloped out of the shambles for Brazil or Argentina. Now a book concocted by Simoni Renee Guerriro Dias is saying he was Adolf Leipzig until he snuffed it in 1984 aged 95.

Which brings creedence to gossip I’ve heard that the Führer, replete with the moustache but without the swastikas on his arms, was spotted on a 16 bus in Newhaven. And the nut, had his unthinkable invasion plans for Britain worked out, would have had his henchmen’s sons educated at our pretigious schools. Eton and Cambridge of course. Fettes and Merchiston here. Thank God for Dad’s Army.