John Gibson: Let penguins p-p-pick up tickets at zoo

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Today the telly has been teeming with dross about the killer whales, about to be withdrawn from their money-making antics in Florida or wherever.

Which gives me an idea. Why don’t we steal some of their thunder and train Edinburgh Zoo’s renowned penguins to check the tickets at the gate?

Gawd, what a brilliant wheeze! We could get ourselves on national TV.

Sprout of order

Thinking about Nigella but, John, do hold your horses. I’ll be getting back to her in due course and the things she does with avocados.

Mind you, I’m not at all keen on the avocado, the fruit. I’m more partial to a Brussels sprout.

Sprouts are in season again, I hope you’ll have noticed. Yummy!

He’s a Deb hand

A proper old scoundrel, the Duke of Edinburgh.

Debbie Reynolds in her memoirs says that the Duke, 94, patted her bum at a 1985 London party for Bob Hope’s 82nd birthday.

Says Debs, 83: “I wasn’t sure if he was making a pass or just exercising some royal rights to squeeze the foreigners.”

You’ve bin had

They had the other day a Professor Christian Dustmann chuntering on about something, which reminded me of a song, My Old Man’s A Dustman, which, I know, must sound a shade irreverent.

Did he wear cor blimey trousers, we want to know?