John Gibson: Oh please, do send me a picture

Have your say

Just been revealed that BBC chairman Lord Patten will retire with untold wealth in 2015. Did somebody mention a handshake? Why not retire now? His Lordship has presided over four years of BBC bumbling.

And mumbling, viewers have been complaining about presenter and newsreaders. Mumblers, mumblers on the STV Glasgow wall, who is the biggest mumbler of them all? Undisputed mangler, supreme in her class, must be STV’s continuity announcer.

Over the years (she’s a great survivor) we’ve never got to know her name. Can I have a picture of the lady? Promise she’ll make the column.

The navy lark

Wot a plonker! Defence Secretary Philip “I name that ship” Hammond (ex Oxford Uni) has rubber-stamped the name for Britain’s latest submarine the Agamemnon, and I’m not kidding. The Aga what? Only a navy (what’s left of it) in this Coalition-led Government would dare conjure up such a folly. The wotsitsname (tongue-tied already) enters service in 2022 and by then there won’t be a submariner in the land who hasn’t placed a bet on how soon it will run aground or conk out like some of its predecessors starting with the letter A. A for what? Can’t say it in a family newspaper.

About chime

Good news for white van man. Ice cream van. Come autumn drivers can ring out with their chimes for 12 seconds at a time as opposed to the current four. The Government is melting, relaxing their rules for the 500 mobile vans throughout the UK since 1982.

The disciplinarian Noise Abatement Society, however, have ensured that chiming after 7pm is banned when a rival vehicle is trading within 50 metres of a school, hospital or church. The decision was wafer-thin.