John Gibson: Promised donkeys, but got hee haw

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Last Saturday was the hottest day on Brighton beach. In the Press pictures, you couldn’t see the sand. It was hogged by humans and buckets and spades.

I spotted no donkeys. Which reminds me, whatever happened to the donkeys we were promised at sun-splashed Porty? I’m all ears.

Have a care

Ever spare a thought for you dear old mum and dad? No, because you think only of yourself. Mark these words – I say again, mark these words – because you’ll live to regret it. When it’s too late.

I’ve been there. Just when I’m getting into my stride as a caring person I’ll let Jim Maddan take over, chairman of Neighbourhood Watch and Home Watch Network: “It’s important for Group members to be aware of the vulnerable in the communities. There are 173,000 Neighbourhood Watch groups (not counting Scotland) covering eight million homes. Nearly four million people live alone.”

Britain’s attitude to pensioners is “uncivilised”.

Care and Support Minister Norman Lamb suggests communities should wash and feed the “old and lonely”. I won’t tell him again. Now go on and give your aged kin a ring. I feel all the better having written this.

The Stark truth

Itchy Koo Stark allegedly nicks a £40,000 oil painting but returns it to the father of their child before the case comes to Crown Court in London and before the case proceeds to trial, with the prosecution and defence “reaching an agreement”. Verdict: No charge.

Koo famously was one of the Duke of York’s girlfriends. All right for some.