At last. Sigh. Finally. Just one more big push and it’ll all be over and done with.
I’m talking royal baby, of course. The goo-goo-ga result of what’s felt like the longest pregnancy on record, during which we’ve oohed and aahed at the petite bump – the kind of swollen tum that on the rest of us would suggest hearty meal – and have sat suitably impressed at Kate’s demure yet stylish choice of swishy designer maternity wear pictured over several pages in OK and Hello!.
For a while we mused over the possibility of twins (with no factual foundation whatsoever) and discussed names – personally I’m hoping they follow Kayne West’s lead and name their baby after a point on the compass. South Wales has a nice ring to it, I think, and could come in handy should grown-up HRH Wales Jnr find themselves wandering the streets after a particularly rowdy night out, a bit fuzzy on where precisely they left the palace.
Along the way we’ve had carrot topped Beeb man Nicholas Witchell, positioned not so much at the frontline as at the bikini line of the story, breathlessly telling us every detail of how exactly Kate was feeling, yes viewers actually feeling, when she was taken to hospital with a severe case of pregnancy sickness. Yesterday he popped up at the doors to the hospital where the Duchess of Cambridge was busy chewing on a sheet to confirm to BBC viewers with all the gravitas of a man who’s personally delivered many a baby that the royal baby would, indeed, be along shortly.
Through the doors of the Lindo Wing at St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, 31-year-old Kate was probably also hoping baby Wales would hurry the hell up so the torture of labour would end – much as many of us were hoping the relentless pain of this royal baby talk would stop so we could get on with talking about the weather again.
But you do have to feel just a bit for her, no doubt suffering the same labour misery as the rest of us only with slightly more decorum and grace. Confined by her regal position, having to hold in that overwhelming urge that many a labouring woman has to punch the face of the man who did this to her, cussing loudly and warning everyone to get the bloody hell away from her as she’s going to rip the throat out of the next person who dares to say “good girl, you’re doing fine”.
Or was that just me?
For the royals, now the pushing is over, the photocalls begin. Bets on Alex Salmond popping up behind the royal couple waving a Saltire as they pose on the steps of the hospital, baby Chardonnay – just to annoy category A snob Katie Hopkins – swaddled in Stella McCartney cashmere in their arms? Must be worth a flutter surely?
Second thoughts, did I say that finally, all this baby business would be finished? Come to think of it, it’s only just begun.