Susan Morrison: Class war..even in the manger

Nativity work could be next to be hit by staff cuts, in the name of efficiency and profit. Picture: Getty
Nativity work could be next to be hit by staff cuts, in the name of efficiency and profit. Picture: Getty
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Future Nativity plays have been put in serious doubt today as concerns about cost over-runs on the production raised the very real prospect of cutbacks on staffing levels.

At the same time, the private squabble between The Three Wise Men and The Three Shepherds reached breaking point amidst a welter of legal writs and name calling.

Resentment between the two biblical boy bands has simmered for some time, and even the last minute interventions by an angelic choir, ACAS and Len Mcluskey have failed to resolve a situation referred to by Wise Man Melchior as a ‘storm in the manger’.

The Three Shepherds have long resented being, in their words, ‘shunted down the billing’ by the three royal interlopers.

In a sometimes testy press conference yesterday, Shepherd Two said “We didn’t ask for this celebrity, you know, not like them three blinged up civil list parasites.

“Look at them. Call themselves royal, eh? Who paid for their time whilst they floated about following stars, I ask you, eh? Who believes that rubbish about star following these days anyway?

“One of them told me the sat nav on the camel was bust and they were just looking for the nearest Premier Inn when they suddenly heard the commotion from just over the hill. Now, we’re three good working-class local lads, just putting in the hours sheep watching.

“Nobody mentions that we’d just got that whole herd of sheep settled down that night before that shower of over-dressed celestial singers ­suddenly starting belting out hosannas in close-part harmony.’

“Honestly, it was like being power balladed by every over-wrought X Factor finalist since time began, and if there is one thing sheep don’t like, it’s being blasted by an airbourne massed choir hitting High C. It’s like the Red Arrows crossed with Mariah Carey. Not good for a ewe.

“So, we’d been working flat out all night long, saw the sky band first, got to the stable first, did the whole ‘blimey, it’s a baby’ thing first and suddenly these three geezers show up, flinging frankincense and gold about, and bang, angels all over the shop singing their praises, sycophantic gits that they are, and whoosh, the royal boys get top billing!

We don’t even have names! And we’re on zero hours contracts, mate. You’re not telling me this isn’t about the class war, comrade.’

“Our demands are simple. We’d like parity in the billing, a bit of a scene to ourselves, perhaps a song, and names. I’ve always been partial to the name Dave, and this is Mike and Raymondo.”

Suckered by the lady sample sniper

In the fruit and veg aisle of Tesco I hit Shoppers Burnout. Whilst in this distracted mode, I was jumped by the lady sample sniper. She had clementine quarters on a tray. Not just any clementine’s, but the best in the world she claimed.

When was the competition? I said. She laughed, clocked my brain dead retinas and superwhammied me with enthusiasm. She may have been right, for they are the juiciest little clemmies I’ve eaten.

Or it could just be that I was felled like an Imperial Stormtrooper in the gaze of a Jedi knight by her total belief in these, the greatest clementines in the world.

And you buy the hugest box for, like, four quid she said. Sold, I cried.

So now I have a year’s supply of clementines in the kitchen. Scurvy now holds no fear for us in 2015.

Christmas fluff is from pagans

IT’S all pagan, anyway, all this fairy light and tinsel in the winter. Some clever people in a university have proved that most of what we called Christmas was Viking, with the fun, the feasting and the general running amok to cheer the winter darkness and cold.

The favoured gift for a Norse Berserker was a new battle axe, which explains why greenery indoors was a feature of Viking midwinter celebration, but not gift wrapping.

The Magi.. just an Eton mess

The Magi, currently on their ‘Follow That Star’ tour, took the time to address some of the concerns of the Shepherd Boys.

As Balthazar said: “It’s not our fault that we handle the pressures of fame and fortune more easily. We’ve always been good with money. We’re not just titled, privileged and disgustingly wealthy. Although we are, actually. Melchior’s just turned his first half billion fracking in Scotland. There was a bit of a setback when somewhere called Clackmannan just disappeared into a big hole in the ground, but by and large, it’s going fine.’

“Personally, I’m thinking of going into politics. I mean, look at those shepherds oiks. Someone has to be in charge. We’re born to it, you see. We’re all Eton lads. To be honest, the only reason we were in the desert that night was because we’d got lost trying to get to a Bullingdon Club do.”

Balthazar later confirmed his intension to stand for Ukip.