Susan Morrison: Driven to the edge by Christine mark II

Scene from film Christine based on Stephen King novel.
Scene from film Christine based on Stephen King novel.
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Christine was a car with a problem. The way Stephen King tells it, Satan lurked in the transmission, or possibly the head gasket, whatever that is. I’m not sure how you’d get that through the MOT.

In the 1983 American horror film directed by John Carpenter, the car gets bashed and smashed by a gang of ne’er do wells. In an astonishing scene, all the more amazing because it was done before the whiz-bang technology we have today, all the bumps, scratches and scrapes pop back out, the windscreen reassembles and she even restores her own paintwork.

Police car. Stock image

Police car. Stock image

We know, then, that Christine is the devil’s car and she is going to hunt down them vandalising ne’er do wells. Which, indeed, she does, and then dispatches them with the ruthless efficiency of a Theresa May cabinet re-shuffle.

Sundry others are bumped off in the course of the film, because bad things happen when Christine is around.

Well, I think I’m driving her younger British-built relative. In the months since we have taken delivery of our sleek little red run around, I’ve narrowly avoided a random cow on the road, hit a deer, dinged the left-hand wing mirror, suffered a flat tyre, and then this week, while driving to Glasgow, been the target of a solo pigeon kamikaze strike that took out the right-hand wing mirror.

Just as we were skirting Livingston, right in the middle of the carriageway, there it was, coolly waiting, stepping aside only to allow a Tesco lorry whizz past. This ‘doo was on a mission.

It gave us a steely glare then launched itself at the car. The irony of a pigeon taking out a wing mirror is not lost on me.

Pigeon versus Ford is only ever going to end one way, and that’s with me on the hard shoulder jury-rigging the remains of a discombobulated wing mirror while battling the slipstream of passing Eddie Stobbart’s finest.

If I weren’t the cool-headed rational daughter of the Scottish Enlightenment, I’d swear there was some plot afoot to foil what ever devilish plan is fomenting beneath the bonnet.

Wildlife seems to be hellbent on some sort of co-ordinated plan of attack to stop the Devils Car.