Susan Morrison: It may keep the streets clean but could you turn the tap off now?

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Does anyone know if it is going to stop raining? I mean, I know this rain stuff has its uses. My garden looks like the Mekong Delta. Sometimes I can hear what sounds like The Doors drifting out, and I’m sure there’s someone lurking in the undergrowth smoking tab ends. Oh hang on, that’s my husband. I’m not sure why he’s wearing camouflage paint, but he seems to like it.

And I know rain has other uses, too. My taxi driver referred to it as Nature’s Water Cannon, so that could explain the peace on Scotland’s streets whilst England burned. It’s hard to riot in a sodden hoodie.

But please, does anyone out there know if it is going to stop raining…?