Susan Morrison: It's been a funny old year for yin an' aw

A guid new year to yin an' aw, and here's hoping for a peaceful 2018 for us all, although watching the leader of the free world hurl Twitter insults like '˜fat and short' at the leader of another nation that purports to have nuclear ­weaponry makes me a tad uneasy and think about stockpiling tins of Heinz cream of tomato soup.
Susan Morrison caused a security stooshie at Number 10 when she left her tablet computer at Theresa Mays house. Picture: Andrew Matthews/PA WireSusan Morrison caused a security stooshie at Number 10 when she left her tablet computer at Theresa Mays house. Picture: Andrew Matthews/PA Wire
Susan Morrison caused a security stooshie at Number 10 when she left her tablet computer at Theresa Mays house. Picture: Andrew Matthews/PA Wire

Might dig a bomb shelter in the garden, but I bet I’d need planning permission and that takes ages. Anyway, I’ve put the spring bulbs in.

It’s been a funny old year, 2017. My highlights included hissing like a ­demented cobra at Jeremy Corbyn to get on stage and being stood up by Theresa May, closely followed by ­attempting to stab Boris Johnson with a cocktail stick, only to find he could move a lot faster than his somewhat hefty frame would indicate.

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I put that down to his public school background, where learning to ­outrun Glaswegians who have consumed their own bodyweight in Chardonnay is probably high on the curriculum, for obvious reasons. Everyone knows that the revolution will begin when a member of the ­ruling class falls under the hammer blow of a worker wielding a little wooden stick which previously held a black ­olive and prosciutto canape.

In addition, I also managed to get Number 10 put into some sort of ­minor flap in on the security front. I think I got the place locked down for a couple of minutes.

Sadly, a couple of minutes was all I could manage. Given the way things have been going there recently, I should have aimed for a week or so at least.

The security freakout was caused by me wandering off and leaving my Samsung tablet behind, where it lay unnoticed overnight.

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The tablet has been behaving very oddly ever since. I suspect the security forces have hacked me, in which case there is a whole department in Whitehall dedicated to deciphering my ­online purchase history for the Christmas period.

I don’t know much about international terrorism, but I am fairly sure that evil enemies of the state don’t go in for self-heating hand warmers and Star Wars T-shirts.

Far more worryingly, in light of ­recent events, Damien Green of Parliamentary Pornwatch fame must have passed my little gizmo at least twice in that time. One dreads to delve too deep into its memory . . .