Brian Monteith: We don't need an EU deal '“ why are we bothering?

I'm currently lying down in a dark room with a cool damp flannel over my forehead. I am suddenly all overcome with dizziness and sweats. Without time to see my doctor I have self-diagnosed using Google and Wikipedia that I am suffering a complete loss of nerve after agreeing with Prime ­Minister Theresa May.

She is right. It might be the only time and the only thing she is right about, but in a certain sense I am Bored of Brexit. Apparently this new phenomenon called BoB is neither a virus or congenital defect – I am simply pig-sick of the never-ending drawn-out EU negotiations that have lasted twice as long as Mao’s Long March.

What’s more, no sooner have the EU 27 nations signed the divorce settlement (two more years of living together, where we are told the house rules without a say and have to hand over £39 billion for the pleasure of it all) and have said we can’t change a single word, when – surprise, surprise – France’s President Macron is saying how he’ll bully and blackmail us so his fishermen get as much access to our fishing waters as they want.

Bored of Brexit? You bet I am. I am bored with how we always cough-up our nation’s hard-earned taxes to keep the EU juggernaut hurtling between its two lavish parliaments.

French President Emmanuel Macron is aiming to secure as much access to the UK's fishing waters as possible. Picture: AP

I’m bored with how we’re expected to sign up to new rules and regulations ­without a say in them. I’m bored with how EU politicians say there is a problem with the UK-Irish border are the same people who say that under no circumstances will they impose a hard border or any infrastructure – so what’s the problem?

I’m bored with being told we can have new trade deals – only to read QCs’ opinions that say it won’t be ­possible under May’s divorce ­settlement and then hear President Trump agree, saying the US won’t do a deal now.

It is this parade of our ­Premier May’s prize porkies that is the most boring aspect of it all. Every time she makes a claim about leaving behind the single market, its customs union, or those European judges, or ending unlimited immigration – I then find when I read the detail in the official documents that it is simply not true. These institutions are replicated and given new names, or there are caveats that keep us locked in – if the EU leaders decide by themselves!

One can only conclude the Prime Minister is trying to fool us by repeatedly parroting black is white or has talked herself into believing her own publicity without using her critical faculties – what is normally considered self-delusion. Neither of these behaviours are a good look.

The prize example is the PM says that because we’re Bored of Brexit we must agree her divorce settlement so we can move on to our new lives. This is the biggest lie of all.

It is May’s withdrawal agreement that guarantees another two years of further negotiations until the end of 2020 – with the threat of being kept in beyond that. French and Spanish leaders have made that very plain and the rest will be queuing up to give us another doing every other month.

What we need is a clean break. To end the boredom we need to simply leave.

The referendum question didn’t ask if we wanted a new deal, it asked if we wanted to remain or leave – with or without a deal. We don’t actually need a deal – it’s how normal countries work. We can keep our £39 billion for our own problems, trade with no ­tariffs to bring prices down and decide our fisheries’ future. The aircraft will still fly and we can visit countries like we do now.

No longer will we be bored with Brexit – and we can get back to disagreeing about everything else instead!