The 40 best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2018
THE funniest joke of the Fringe may have been decided - but what about the other top gags?
Scouse stand-up Adam Rowe has scooped this year’s accolade of most hilarious joke at the Fringe, with a line about the the irony of being fired from a job centre.
During his show, Undeniable, Rowe, whose set focuses on his working-class roots in Liverpool, said: “Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”
A worthy winner? You decide.
We asked 40 Fringe comedians for a great one-liner. Here are the jokes they came up with... are they funnier? You decide.
"The problem with jokes is that they sometimes take a while to get. Sometimes I’ll tell a joke and then 10 minutes later, when a different comedian is on stage, everyone starts laughing.
David McIver: Nice Little Man, Opium, Cowgate, until Saturday
"When i see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn't that bad."
Angela Barnes, Pleasance Beside, until Sunday
"Coming up on Olive Hand's Show: At 8.53 I’ll be speaking to Declan, a man born with insect-like fingers. We’ll find out more about him in Ant-Hands Dec, that's Ant-Hands Dec at 8.53."
Beth Vyse, Monkey Barrel Comedy Club, until Sunday
"My wife said she wanted to meet new people. I took her to the maternity ward."
ISMO, Pleasance Dome, until Sunday
"I'm not sure if I'm ready to be an uncle. Mainly because I insist on saying 'uncle' rather than 'father'."
Ivo Graham, Pleasance Cabaret Bar, until Sunday
"I've created an app to help with insomnia, called Slumbr, which lets you talk to other really boring people until you fall asleep. It's online sedating."
Jon Harvey, Assembly George Square, until Sunday
“I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. I was the only thing between H and JK.”
Simon Evans, Assembly George Square, until Saturday
“The waiter in the restaurant asked me if I had any allergies. I said, 'Yes, I am allergic to penicillin'.”
Stuart Mitchell, Gilded Balloon Teviot, until Monday
‘‘I’m an animal in the bedroom. The problem is I’m a French bulldog. I just lie there and can’t really breathe.”
Micky Bartlett, Gilded Balloon Teviot, until Monday
"I didn't like getting lost on a campsite in the dark. I was feeling tents."
Charlie Partridge, Just the Tonic @ The Caves, until Sunday
"I’ve joined this really tough fitness class where they make you sew footballs and attach screens to iPhones. It’s called sweatshop."
Sisters, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday, 8.15pm
"I weigh 20 stone, so being stalked by me is like heart disease. If you really want to avoid it, just start jogging."
Matt Price, Gilded Balloon, until Sunday
"I threw my hands in the air, which was a shame because I had nothing to catch them with on the way down."
Paul Mayhew-Archer, Underbelly, until Sunday
"Vampire: I always wanted to get into hip hop. Everyone was talking about being 'In da house' but I needed an invitation before I was allowed in."
Steen Raskopoulos, Underbelly, until Sunday
"My girlfriend is half Irish and half Chinese. Which means she’s incredibly beautiful and I’m never allowed to do an impression of her."
Brett Goldstein, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday
"If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself."
Ian Smith, Underbelly, until Saturday
"My reasons for learning origami are two-fold."
Ken Cheng, Bedlam Theatre, until Sunday
"Heaven is a bit difficult to reach, but if you are Catholic you can aim lower, to Purgatory: it is like a cheaper version of afterlife, the Ryanair of souls."
Luca Cupani, Underbelly, until Monday
"They say Americans don't get sarcasm, but at least one of them does... 'Make America Great'."
Robyn Perkins, Underbelly, until Sunday
"I have a smart fridge. I pin its homework on my children."
Ed Night, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday
"Since my kids were born I’ve started wearing jeans from M&S. They’re a style called ‘relaxed skinny’ - ironically two things I haven’t been since my kids were born."
Lucy Porter, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday
"I played Hamlet once, not very successfully. The audience threw eggs at me. I went on as Hamlet and came off as omelette."
Gyles Brandreth, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday
"I only go for runs when it's raining because it feels like you're sweating way more and no one can see that you're crying."
Paul Williams, Underbelly, until Monday
"I could never work in The Job Centre. Imagine working somewhere and knowing if you finally have the courage to quit, you've still got to go in the next day."
Adam Rowe, Just The Tonic @ The Caves, until Sunday
"Someone close to me died this morning, which made for an uncomfortable train journey."
Glenn Moore, Just The tonic @ The Tron, until Sunday
"When I was unconscious in the hospital, Mrs Tavaré played me music as stimulation. First she tried Justin Beiber in the hope I might get out of bed and switch it off..."
Jim Tavare, Laughing Horse @ The Counting House Sunday
"I took my nephew on the swings, he kept complaining that it goes up too high. I said, 'Shut up and push'."
Nick Dixon, Just The Tonic @ The Mash House, until Sunday
"A good posh surname is like a shotgun; Elegant, double barrelled and passed down the generations until someone starts firing blanks."
Tom Houghton, Pleasance Dome, until Sunday
"I suffer from insomnia and I've tried everything, even counting sheep. I got up to about 100 sheep the other night and still couldn’t get to sleep, so I went back inside."
George Rigden, Pleasance, until Monday
"It might seem like we're heading for a dystopian future right now but I read that book, 1984, and things were way worse back then."
Jim Campbell, Just The Tonic @ The Mash House, until Sunday
"When I realised I'd never be able to talk again, I was speechless."
Lost Voice Guy, Gilded Balloon, until Sunday
"My dad loves his dog more than us, he makes it a roast chicken seasoned in herbs every Sunday, which is stupid as dogs have no concept of Thyme."
Rachel Fairburn, Underbelly, until Monday
"Knock knock! Who’s there? Whoever I identify with today…it’s 2018…back off!"
Brennan Reece, Pleasance Upstairs, until Monday
"I was arguing with someone until we came across a smiling fortune teller... I think we found a happy medium."
Bread & Geller, Just The Tonic @ The Caves, until Sunday
"Shears: cutting-hedge technology."
David Ephgrave, Just The Tonic @ The Caves, until Sunday
"I quit law to become a stand up comedian which wasn’t the best but also isn’t the worst financial decision a Greek has made recently."
Yianni Agisilaou, Pleasance Dome, until Sunday
"I didn’t start experimenting with drugs until I was in my 40s, prior to that I was just enjoying them."
Roman Fraden, Gilded Balloon Teviot, until Monday
"I invented the self-fulfilling prophesy, it probably won’t go anywhere but still."
Garret Millerick, Just The Tonic @ The Tron, until Sunday
"My boss has finally recognised my potential and reduced my wages accordingly."
Richard Todd, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday
"I'm entering the world's tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.
William Andrews, Pleasance Courtyard, until Sunday