Dara Ã“ Briain at Edinburgh Playhouse: his funniest jokes and quotes
As host of Mock the Week, comedian Dara Ã“ Briain has become a regular fixture on our television screens, dispensing observational quips on the week's news and current affairs.
by Alex Nelson
As a stand-up, Ó Briain tackles everything from the absurdity of religion, to the dishonesty of homeopathy, all with his signature Irish twang.
Ahead of his performances at Edinburgh's Playhouse tomorrow (Fri 16 Nov) and on Saturday (17 Nov), here are 25 of his best jokes and one-liners.
(Warning: contains adult humour and strong language)
[On the Irish legal system] "There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff here under 'That's grand'; then it moves into 'Ah, now, don't push it'; and finally to 'Right! You're taking the p***.' And that's where the police sweep in."
"If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?"
"'The great thing about homeopathy is that you can't overdose on it.' Well, you could f***ing drown!"
"I love video games. I enjoy saying that because half of the room are looking at me, going, 'Ah Jesus, you're 38.' It's less embarrassing if I say I masturbate to hardcore pornography."
[On alternative medicines] "'Oh, herbal medicine's been around for thousands of years!' Indeed it has, and then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became 'medicine'. And the rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri, so knock yourselves out."
[And on Chinese medicine] "Here's the skinny on Chinese medicine. A hundred years ago the average life expectancy in China was 30. The life expectancy in China at the moment is 73. And it's not f***ing tiger penis that turned it around."
[On devout Christianity] "Stop taking it literally - it's only the Bible, it's not gospel."
[On asking a Father's permission] "If I'm ever the father of a daughter in 30 years' time, and some gonk arrives, looking for permission, I'm going to set the f***er tasks! He's going to be collecting a fleece by the end of the week!"
"Science knows it doesn't know everything; otherwise, it'd stop. But just because science doesn't know everything doesn't mean you can fill in the gaps with whatever fairy tale most appeals to you."
"Don't be fooled by the frying pan industry... they don't go 'dong' when you hit someone. There is no setting for 'stun' on a frying pan."
[On Greek economics] "If Greece want to bail themselves out, they really just have to invoke copyright law on all the stuff they invented some time ago now, but that they definitely invented. Like democracy, triangles and gays."
"How many of you have ever played with a [Nintendo] Wii? That doesn't count. This is a Wii game, 'Ooh I'm stroking a pony.' That's a Wii game, right. 'Ooh I'm feeding sugar cubes to a unicorn and it's going to poo out rainbows that I can paint onto Mario's house.' That's not gaming. This is gaming: 'Oh my god I'm in a gun battle! Which of these buttons isn't crouch?!'"
[On musical snobbery] "Music snobbery is the worst kind of snobbery. 'Oh, you like those noises? Those sounds in your ear? You like them? They're the wrong sounds! You should like these sounds in your ear!'"
"Anyone, in answer to the difficult questions in life, who gives you an easy bulls*** answer, and you go 'Well, do you have any evidence for that?' and they go 'Ah, there is more to life than evidence', get in the f***ing sack."
"My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be s***e."
"Nostalgia is heroin for old people."
"I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns."
"Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies."
"The Day Two pain of the gym! When you go back to the gym and you're in agony, and every bit of you is in pain. And the gym guy, you go up to him, you go 'Why am I in so much pain?' and he goes, 'That's because you're using muscles you haven't used in years.' And you look at him and go 'Why the f*** are we wasting our time with those muscles?'"
[On the Milkybar Kid] "In the case of a Wild West conflict, the surest path to peace is to send in an albino child with chocolate."
"I think the English are bipolar. 'We're the greatest, no we're terrible' - that's a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there's little poverty - yet it's always the worst time to have lived here."
"I just like the idea of the Queen sitting at the tennis going, 'I'm a stamp! I'm a coin!'"
[On the appendix] "Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?"
[On disaster movie 2012] "'The neutrinos have mutated.' Now, for the non-nerds here: neutrinos are tiny, sub-atomic, really really almost massless particles, they're released in nuclear breakdowns, like in the sun, for example. Five hundred trillion of them pass through your bodies every second. They can't mutate. Their structure is fundamental to the structure of the universe. Right? They can't just change. He might as well have gone, 'The electrons are angry'."
"Catholicism is the most adhesive religion in the world. If you joined the Taliban, you’d merely be regarded as a bad Catholic."