Lucy picks her battles

BATTLER: Stand-up Lucy is ready for another Fringe
BATTLER: Stand-up Lucy is ready for another Fringe
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LUCY Porter has some advice to share, Choose Your Battles.

That’s the title of her new Fringe show, a brilliant hour of stand-up from the perennial Festival favourite. Lucy will use her hilarious experiences to help you decide which causes are worth fighting for especially when choosing battles with your loved one... as she explains here:

“When I got married I wasn’t expecting a life of perfect marital bliss and harmony, but I didn’t quite realise how much my husband and I would argue about cutlery and towels.

“When we were courting we would occasionally have heated words about politics - we might argue into the night about the pros and cons of sanctions against Russia or the finer details of Middle Eastern politics.

“Once we’d tied the knot our rows became less about poverty and injustice and more about parking and bins.

“We’ve negotiated successfully over the big things like where to live, how to raise the kids, what to do about ailing parents and so forth, but it’s the little domestic details that get us every time.

“Recent major bones of contention have revolved around the following burning issues: In the dishwasher, should cutlery be placed with the blades of knives, tines of forks and so forth pointing up or down? Should towels be line dried or tumble dried? Pizza on pineapple - exotic treat or the work of Satan?

“If our marriage fails it won’t be because of any major drama, it will be because Justin’s forgotten for the 50th time in a row to take a damp towel out of the laundry basket before it makes everything else smell like wet dog.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with this without divorce or strychnine poisoning is to choose your battles and let some things go.

“I’m now prepared to put up with tumble-dried towels if he’ll allow Hawaiian pizzas into the house.

“Whenever journalists ask elderly married couples the secret to their years of married bliss, they always say things like ‘we never let the sun set on an argument’ or ‘we say ‘I Love You’ every single day.’

“If Justin and I ever make it to our Golden Wedding Anniversary and someone asks how we made it, I’ll say ‘I finally started putting the cutlery in the dishwasher with the business end up.’

“The interviewer will be baffled but you guys will know what I’m talking about.”

Pleasance Courtyard, 2-15, 17-22, 24-27 August, 5.30pm, £7-£15, 0131-226 0000