Best Scottish dad jokes: 15 one-liners and wisecracks that are so bad they are funny

Scottish dads are more than happy to indulge in some puntastic 'dad' humour (BBC)Scottish dads are more than happy to indulge in some puntastic 'dad' humour (BBC)
Scottish dads are more than happy to indulge in some puntastic 'dad' humour (BBC)
Home to Billy Connolly, Frankie Boyle and Janey Godley, Scotland isn’t short of world class comic talent – but it’s also not short of dad’s willing to crack cringeworthy one-liners

The fabled dad joke: an attempt at humour so bad that it’s good, typically carried out by a father.

Scottish dads are not exempt from this jocular bug, with Scotland’s unique vernacular often crowbarred into punchlines.

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The last thing these joke crackers need is encouragement, but we’ve decided to humour them nonetheless and compile 15 of the best Scottish dad jokes that are so bad that they’re good.

Here are 15 of the best Scottish dad jokes.

There are 10 cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.

A man from Glasgow goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," he replies.

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt Disney.

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A Dundee woman in hospital giving birth, "Well done, it's' a boy, what are you going to call him?" the midwife asks. The woman replies "Nathan" the midwife says "aw come on, you have to call him something."

A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says "excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?” to which the baker replies “No you're right enough it's a doughnut".

What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song? One says, “Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!”

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. “No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

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They French cannae count – you ask for twa rolls and they give ye three.

What do you call a man from Glasgow who’s lost his dog? Douglas

I stole a kilt and I plaid guilty.

After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What is a Scottish snack that is gloated about? Braggis

What did the Scottish man say when the bartender took his pint away? Where did my Glasgow?

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Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter? It Disney land.

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier. He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts. He replied “the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt”.

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